Jesus Fucking Christ Hal.....

Sure Hal, sure. That's what ALL pedophiles/child molesters and members of NAMBLA say.

Seriously, what the hell was DC thinking letting a such scandalous and potentially character-damaging storyline like this be allowed to be printed?

You can definitely file this under the tagline of my old features, What The Fuck Where They Thinking!?

Speaking of pedos, I don't know if you guys have seen this or not, but Vice News (of the Vice Network) tweeted a video of Sasha Baron Cohen (Borat, Ali G) interviewing Alabamian judge Republican Roy Moore.

What makes the interview so noteworthy (Cohen has a parody show called Where In America?) is how Cohen tricked Moore into the interview in order to fuck with him and call him a pervert without directly coming out and saying it.

Check it out:

HA! GOT 'EM!!!!!

What The Fuck Were They Thinking?: The Mandrill

Haven't done this in awhile, but remember when I used to ask "What The Fuck Were They Thinking?"

Yeah, sure you do.

Well here's a fresh new joint I'm dropping on ya'll, as I feature today's fucking weirdo, The Mandrill.

For those that haven't met the Mandrill, he's basically like those rape-y Bill Cosby memes.....except without the 80's sweaters and with a big, flashy red cape and a baboon face.


They know you are, I just told them.

In fact if anything, he really looks like Rifiki from the Lion King.

As in Rifiki's younger, troublemaker brother who's always up to no good,but always good with the ladies.

Why? You may ask, when he's sporting a mug like that?
Well it turns out he's mutant that can produce powerfully strong pheromones that make women fall in love with him. hardcore, do anything he wants?

He can do all that, but he can't keep from getting his ass handed to him on the reg? Get the Fuck outta' here with that bullshit! 

No, apparently there's not.



Or is there? Awww how sweet,

I'm still asking Marvel writers why the created him when they already had the Purple Man?

Seriously Marvel, WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING!?

What The Fuck Were They Thinking?: The Orb

Happy Hump Day People!!!!

Remember this guy? 

If you're longtime fan of Ghost Rider you might.

I'm talking about z-list extraordinaire, The Orb.

And get this, there's actually two Orbs.

More on that in minute.

Okay so the first Orb was Drake Shannon, in case you didn't read that first image.

His backstory was that he used to be the partner of one Crash Simpson, who was Johnny Blaze's stepfather, and basically the whole reason why he sold his soul and became Ghost Rider.

Here's his official origin in a nutshell:

"The Orb first appeared in "Marvel Team-Up" vol. 1 #15 (November, 1973). According to his origin, Drake Shannon was an expert stunt motorcyclist. He and Craig " Crash" Simpson were co-owners of a stunt cycle show. Their partnership led to arguments concerning their approach to their stunts. Simpson grew to consider Shannon as too reckless. Shannon himself considered Simpson too afraid to take chances. At last they decided to part ways but neither was willing to sell his share to his partner. They decided to hold a cross-country race with full ownership of the show as the prize. The loser would walk away empty-handed. Their race initially failed to provide either one with an advantage, both competitors riding side by side. Shannon lost his patience and tried to maneuver his motorbike on a collision course with that of Simpson. He was trying to knock Simpson out of the road but the latter managed to evade. Shannon lost control of his bike and hit the ground. With no helmet to protect him, Shannon found himself hitting the ground at the speed of 95 miles per hour, his face sliding 25 yards across the tarmac. He survived the accident to find himself slowly recovering at a hospital, his face horribly disfigured. Simpson visited him but Shannon drove him away. He left the hospital to find himself a loner and an outcast, people unwilling to approach him and take a second look at his face.

Twenty years later, Shannon was desperate and reaching the end of his life (possibly contemplating suicide) when approached by They Who Wield Power (Keeper of the Flame/Lann, Prince Rey of el Dorado, Tyrannus), an alliance of would-be world conquerors. They empowered several new super-villains as pawns in their plans for the world. Shannon was provided with a helmet designed to look like a human eyeball and able of hypnotizing victims who gazed at it. He was also given a laser pistol. His career as a villain had begun."

So Drake got in a bad motorcycle accident, and as a result unfortunately became horribly, horribly disfigured. 

I'm talking melted House of Wax with Vincent Price disfigured. 

I'm saying he was so ugly, if he had a pet dog, he'd have to tie some meat around his neck so that the dog would play with him, ugly.

So naturally Drake blamed everything on Simpson and felt he was owed a his share of Simpson's business since he was a partner in said business.decided to get his revenge on him to even the score. Sounds legit right?

Which placed him directly in Ghost Rider's path. A lot.

After he got his ass handed to him by both Ghost Rider and Spider-Man, Orbie would keep coming back and get his ass handed to him again and again, each time, receiving more and more damage to his grill.

In fact there was one time in Ghost Rider (Vol.2) #54(1981), that after repairing damage to his giant eyeball helmet, he also got some plastic surgery to fix his face to the point of being as normal as it was going to get considering the circumstances.

He wound up pissing Ghost Rider so much that, despite being convinced to spare his life, he decided to fuck his day up more by almost burning Drake's face off, thus undoing all that painful and expensive plastic surgery.

Eventually Drake would would fade away into obscurity/limbo-land after a brief run in with Hawkeye in an issue of Avengers Spotlight in 1989.

Then another big-eyed character calling himself the The Orb would show up.

First appearing in Deadline#2 (2012), This 2nd Orb was actually born with a huge eyeball for a head.

He was abandoned by his family( why because they had giant noses or butts for heads?) and was taken in by a traveling freak-show carnival. (Well of course he was)

He grew up to become a mercenary (Because why not) and was later hired by a rogue angel name Zadkiel to kill Ghost Rider.

When that didn't pan out he formed a gang called the Orblings and decided to be a bank-robber.

After running afoul of Wolverine and Spider-Man and getting his big-eyed ass handed to him by them, he didn't show up until that horrible Jason Aaron Original Sin event in 2014.

It was here that Arron's love for the Orb(even though it wasn't the original) showed big time as he, along with former Marvel Boy(Grant Morrison's version) foe Dr. Midas and his daughter Exterminatrix teamed up and attacked longtime MU mainstay, The Watcher. And in his own home on the moon no less.

They stole his weapons, shot him, and left him for dead.

Then the Orb being super jealous of the Watcher's ability to see everything, stole his left eye and bonded it to him.

Yes, that really happened, and Marvel's EIC and bigwigs let it happen.

And that's how he's been left.

He can now "see things that other people can't", which just makes him sound like any other regular paranoid schizophrenic in the world doesn't it?

I guess if used by the right writer, he may have potential, otherwise, this 2nd iteration is just an undeservedly over-powered schmuck.

At least the original had a legit gimmick and reason for being a bad guy, albeit one on the super-low end of the totem poll.

Not to mention all he really was a horribly disfigured evil biker who wear a giant eyeball helmet that shot freaking lazer beams.

More so on the second Orb, than the first(although not by much)....

Marvel, WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING!?

I will say though, This Jason Arron-written panel is admittedly pretty awesome

What The Fuck Were They Thinking!?: Nightwatch

Happy Hump Day People.....

Ok, so today's newest inductee into the house of shame is this guy, Nightwatch.

Don't ask me why, but when I was thinking about columns to write, for some weird reason this guy popped into my mind.

In case you don't remember him, Nightwatch showed up as an anti-hero of sorts in Web of Spider-Man#99.

At first glance, you might be forgiven for mistaking him for another anti-hero, Spawn.

 Seriously, they look they could be brothers

Whether or not the resemblances between the two was intentional or not( even though I think its highly likely it was, perhaps as an intentional dig by Marvel) the fact remains that Nightwatch already had a huge knock against coming out the gate...besides his name.

Nightwatch? Really? Because Neighborhood Watch was too long to spell?

Anyhoo, here's Spa-,uh I mean Nightwatch's deal in a nutshell.

Nightwatch, in his regular civilian identity of Dr. Kevin Trench, stumbles upon a strange man in a hi-tech knock-off of  Spawn's costume fighting some thugs. Even though he drives them off, the costumed man dies anyways.

 Dr. Trench decides to unmask the poor bastard and much to his surprise, realizes he recognizes the man behind the mask; it's an older version of him.

Dr. Trench does what we'd all do if he found an older version of ourselves in a tricked out Spawn Halloween costume, and checks himself into a mental hospital/drinks himself silly takes off to some deserted island. His rationale was if he runs away and never puts on the costume, complete with cloak-generating technology and a shitload of gadgets, then maybe he won't die in the future.

Sounds legit.

 

After obviously rethinking this strategy, he decides to wear the costume (because why not?) and fight crime despite knowing what his future holds. To further the Spawn comparisons, his suit used nanite technology to self-repair any damages the suit sustained, as well as providing enhanced strength and and basically use the suit and cape to mimic Spawn's abilities, but using science not hell-magic.

 He quickly runs into Spider-Man and off to the races we go. appearing in crossovers and earning his very own solo title.

Eventually Nightwatch would conquer the circumstances that had let to his supposed dark future, and just as quickly as he appeared, he just as quickly faded away into obscurity-land.

Because hey, it was the 90's.

He'd show up years later in the pages of She-Hulk's solo title in the 00's, apparently alive and well.

All seemed good until it we hit Retcon-Land.

It seems Nightwatch the hero was all a huge scam that Dr. Trench perpetuated using the combined assistance of Dr. Druid, the Shocker, and Vibro. In reality he was really the villainous Nighteater, who made the entire Marvel Universe that he was a good guy the whole time, as was revealed in She-Hulk#12.

No, seriously. Here's the pages to prove it:

So yeah, this happened...

"Nightwatch" was dealt with, and that's been the last anyone's heard of him since.

BTW, Spawn isn't the only guy Nightwatch looks like.

Remember this guy?

Yup. Homeboy didn't just steal from Spawn, he stole from M.A.N.T.I.S. Another fellow black/African-American hero.

Lame.

Terry Kavanagh. 

Alex Saviuk.

 Marvel Comics circa 1994. 

WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING!?

 Ok, I know it seems I'm just picking on Spider-Man, and trust he has a lot of losers amongst his rogues gallery and allies, but so do a lot of other well-established heroes.

I'll give poor Spidey a break for now since he's more than earned it.

But the rest of you out there? Watch out.....

What The Fuck Were They Thinking!?: Stegron The Dinosaur Man

It's only the second week of September, but its already been a hell of a month action figure-wise.

My local Wal-mart started carrying the ML Rhino BAF Wave, much to my surprise. And then I realized unlike some other waves, I actually want to build Rhino. So far I bought the new Kraven and Ghost Rider figures, then went back for the Chameleon and Superior Venom but only the Chameleon figure was there, besides the Misty Knight/White Tiger and Ben Reilly Scarlet Spider figures required to finish building Rhino.
































































Maybe next week guy, because a good friend alerted that my local Walgreens started to carry the ML Hulkbuster wave.  Bought that waves' Iron Man and Dr. Strange, and wanting that new War Machine figure. Damn he looks good, even though they're using the Don Cheadle face for Rhodey.

Damn you Marvel!!!!!!! Shut up and take my money!!!!!!!

 This last guy is definitely one of the ugliest Iron Man armors ever designed. I'm talking about the Space Armor IM used during his super-short stint as a member of the Guardians of the Galaxy.

It was a gift from your friend and mine, Googum, and it contains a much-needed Groot BAF piece.

This figure seems to be using the Bleeding Edge armor as the base, so its not bad articulation-wise, it's just the head piece that's so damn ugly to look at only Helen Keller could love it;)

So yeah, damn good month for figures, not-so-good on my wallet.

Okay, onto to today's Mort of the Month, sorry, I meant to say loser of the week/month, Stegron, the Dinosaur Man(Or quite possibly Walter Simonson's favorite villain).

Let me preface this by saying when it comes to villains, the 70's were not good to Spider-Man. If the writers weren't killing off his long-time girlfriend, they were jobbing him out to the new villain of the week, most of which never made it past C/D/Z-list status.

Enter our boy Stegron:

Created by Len Wein and Gil Kane, Stegron first appeared as Dr. Vincent Stegron, an opportunistic lab assistant to Curt Connors in Marvel Team-Up#19.

Yes, Curt Connors, or as you might know him better, The Lizard!

Yeah, that guy. So you just know already nothing good can come from this.

Anyhoo, Dr. Connors and Dr. Stegron were working on some experiment for SHIELD involving Dinosaur tissue given to them by Ka-Zar for some weird reason.

Unbeknownst to Dr. Connors and SHIELD, Stegron had a huge hard-on for all things dinosaurs. I don't know, maybe he even dry humped a T-Rex statue @ a museum once, IDK, I just know he was really big into Dinosaurs. So much so that he steals the all the experimental dinosaur tissue and runs of to the Savage Land, where he injects the tissue into himself and becomes another cliched scientist turned evil monster.

After getting his ass handed to him by Ka-Zar and Spidey, Stegron would go on to menace the wall-crawler and various other heroes in the MU over the years.

Hell, he even fought against his former boss, the Lizard once, when he kidnapped his son.

As for his powers, well, he's basically a clone of the Lizard; he's got super-strength, endurance and speed, razor-sharp claws, and super-tough, scaly skin.

Here's where it gets both weird and goofy: His other powers are being able to mentally control dinosaurs if there's any around, as well as the reptilian part of other animals and humans. So I guess if Stegron's in your town, hide your dinosaurs and pet reptiles. Maybe even the foam ones that grow in water. Hey, you never know.

Then there's the latest ability he's seemed to developed, being able to absorb the life-force of other dinosaurs and reptiles. I guess that means if he needs a quick pick me up and there's a dinosaur or big lizard around, he'll snack on their life-force like a fat kid in a candy shop.

So that's Stegron in a nutshell, or Dino-eggshell in his case.

But is he really that bad?

 He's a basically a bad clone of a much more popular villain albeit admittedly with a slightly better name. I mean what sounds scarier to you:

 RUN!!!!! The Lizard's loose and he's eating people's faces!!!!!

-or-

RUN!!!! Stegron's on the loose and he's eating people's faces!!!!

Someone definitely seems to like him since he's still around, even in other mediums, like Marvel's kid friendly series, Superhero Squad, and various video game appearences like the one he made in Marvel Ultimate Alliance.

He even has his own action figure. Yes that's right, he really does, and its not a custom-made one, although those exist too.

Nope, Stegron got his very own action figure from Toy Biz back in 1997 as part of a wave called the Vault Series, as in the Vault, which was a high tech prison for super villains in the MU.

 

Stegron was joined by two other figures, Ultron and Typhoid Mary.

It was a truly rare experiment on the part of Toy Biz, but then again they also made figures of characters that were barely a year old too, sooooooo.

I guess for me, it comes down to Stegron not having a good writer do something meaningful with him as a character, which can really be said about most characters that are B/C/D/Z-list 4 Life.

Sometimes they're just waiting for a Nick Spencer or Kieron Gillen to find 'em and love 'em.

But until that happens, Stegron will always be a poor man's Lizard to me.

So, Len Wein. Gil Kane.

WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING!?