Monday, April 30, 2012

Collector Box Blues

Hello Cats and Kittens,
Well today is the the last skit of the month, and what a month of skits it's been huh? Half-weird, half-wonderful, and kinds crazy good fun!

I'm sure you're all wondering what's in store for you guys today? Well wait no more good people, and enjoy "Collector Box Blues."

Thing: "Quick, someone say sumptin' funny before that sonavabitch sticks us back in that damn box again!"

Mr. Fantastic: "Hmm. Well I do have a funny anecdote about Albert Einstein."

Torch: "
Dammit Reed, Ben said something funny, not something that'll make us wanna' blow our brains out due to sheer boredom!"

Invisible Woman: "Johnny! You don't have to be so mean to Reed. You know comedy's not his forte."

Mr. Fantastic: "Gee honey, thanks."

Torch: "Hey sis, you have to put up with Reed because you married him, not us. It's not our fault's he's not funny."

Thing: "Great, just great! We've wasted all dis' time fussin' without being funny. Now we're going back inta' that damn box fa' sure!"

-The Thing farts....big time!

Torch: "What a revoltin' development that was Ben...In your pants! Ugh god!"

Mr. Fantastic and Invisible Woman: "Urghh, Ben!!!! That was much, much worse than an attack by Dr. Doom old friend!"

Thing: "Sorry!"

-All three laugh at Ben.

Thing: "Does that mean I did good then?"

What do you think guys? Not bad?

No on to something a  little different.

You remember that whole Heroes Reborn event from the late 90's? I'm sure most of you do. I'll get back  to how badly time's(and fans have) treated them over years, but that's not what I want to showcase right now. Nope, after going over all of the various HR issues I have, I've stumbled on a few quotes from the various heroes, that if taken out of the innocent context they were written in, could be taken out of context as extremely sexual and just plain wrong.  Wizard Magazine's done this before with various X-Men quotes over the years , so sit back and enjoy the little nuggets of perversity I've stumbled upon.

Fantastic Four#2 (Vol.2)( Nov'96):
Sue Storm: "Reed! It's, it's working! keep!"
"Can't maintain this shaft..much longer! The Strain is murderous!"

-No that's not Mr.Fantastic's nether region she's talking about. Go read the issue and you'll see what's really going on here.

Fantastic Four#5 (Vol.2) (Jan '97):
Super-Skrull: "Enough! Unngh!" " Your human form would not have been able to withstand the infusion of such raw primal power!"

-Man I hope he's just talking about the power Cosmic and not something else. Ugh indeed!

Finally this other gem of perversity:

Iron Man#7 (Vol.2) (May '97):
Thor: "A hole. Thou hast brought the God of Thunder to the very netherworld of Avengers show me a hole?"

"My armored friend, as holes go, it compares to none. And I do not mean to belittle thy efforts, but if we art to be Avengers, why wouldst we need a hole to put our weapons when any true warrior ne'er allows his weapon to leave his side?"

Iron Man: "I....never mind."

OMG people! I hope Thor's talking about underground hole, and scene from one of those really nasty pornos. You know? The one that has some freaky chick insert her whole fist or various foreign objects into know....happy place?

Never mind indeed.
And that's a just a sample of random quotes you can find any comic book that seems just plain dirty if you have the right kind of imagination. You know, like I do.

Happy hunting kids!

Oh, here's a quick one I just found:
Apparently Ol' Shell-Head's into fisting too! Damn!

Thursday, April 26, 2012

"It's Animotion!"

For today's skit(and the last one of the week) I decided to make one up about the Bronze Tiger and the lovely Zatanna. Omega, this one's for you buddy! Enjoy!

                          Bronze Tiger: "I thought you said you liked doing it with my tiger mask on?"

                          Zatanna: "Yeah, but isn't that like, kinda bestiality? How fucked up is that?"

Bronze Tiger: "No it's not you dumb bitch, now get back to what you were doing with that ass-backwards tongue and magic wand of yours."
    Zatanna: "I love it when you talk dirty to me!"

Bronze Tiger: "Did ever tell you about the time I kicked Batman's ass?"

Zatanna: "Yes you did baby. All the time."

Bronze Tiger: "Well good. I just thought it bears repeating is all."


Bronze Tiger: "Hey look. I'm giving myself head."

Bronze Tiger: "Ha ha! made you look you dirty birds!"

 Bronze Tiger: "For the last time, the Black Panther is not my brother! We don't look anything alike."
Zatanna: "I'm just saying is all..."

Bronze Tiger: "Damn woman, that is straight up racist right there!"

 Bronze Tiger: "No, I don't get how having sex with me is like fucking Tony the Tiger. I just don't see it!"

  Zatanna: "It just does okay? Hey that's part of the attraction baby."

-That's me. I'm outta' here! Have a good weekend folks.

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

"Hair today, gone tomorrow"

Yeah, I know I technically already posted for today, but what the hell. I've got a backlog of skits finished, so enjoy a bonus post today. And with a fresh new skit too. See people, lots of love here.

Captain Atom: "Nice hair there Farrah Fawcett."

Captain Mar-vel: "Ha, that's rich coming from the man who's a walking, talking Duracel battery."
Captain Atom: "Touche' man, touche'."

                               Captain Atom: "Hey, you probably shouldn't stand so close to me then. What with you being so susceptible to Cancer and all. Don't want to end up like Farrah Fawcett for real right?"

                            Captain Mar-Vel: "OMG man! WWFFD? Not cool man, not cool at all!"

 -Hmm. What would Farrah Say?

Yes, I went there, and she did say that. I'm pretty sure she did.

File this under Re-goddamn-diculous!

Breaking News!
Marvel's turning Nick Fury Black!


No, not like that time they/Marvel turned The Punisher black for two issues due to Frank getting a face/skin-change from a junkie ex-surgeon, no "This is Real! This is Damn Real!" as Kurt Angle would say.

In case you haven't already seen them, here's the new pics of Marcus Johnson, a.k.a Black Fury(No that's not his name, but I'm surprised it's not. maybe if this was 1972 Marvel would actually have the balls to call him that.)

Yep it's Sam L. Fury, uh, I mean Marcus Johnson as the new (Black)Nick Fury. I wonder if Mark Millar knows about this. Yeah, he probably does. It was probably his own idea to really mess the fans of the MU, and of course, cash another check.

"Bloody Brilliant!"
Isn't that what they say over there after a job well done?

How nice of Marvel to recycle that cool Super-Soldier costume that Cap used to have and give it to new Fury. I guess I'll have to somehow make a custom (Black)Nick Fury out of the new Steve Rogers, Super-Soldier figure I have and tell you all how I did.

And oh look,
Black Fury's brought a friend with him. That's nice. Apparently he's Agent Coulson from the Marvel movies, except now he's officially in 616 Marvel continuity, or to quote the movie Brother, Where Art Thou? "He's Bonifide."

Yes folks, meet Marvel's new creation,
Power Man and Iron Fist 2.0/The new Millennium's Luke Cage and Danny Rand!

And here's where it all starts:

You've been warned! And Marvel you're welcome for the free publicity. Now where's my check? No..just kidding.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012


Hey people.
For this skit, I figured I'd use the new ML Klaw figure I finally broke down and bought. And even though the Ed McGuinness art for the packaging is better looking than the figure itself(talk about false advertising) he at least looks pretty faithful to how Papa King Kirby made him. Then I figured "who else can I stick in this thing?" So I decide to finally use a cool figure I've had for awhile but never used in a skit, Marvel's Sandman. So congrates on Sandman breaking his cherry....skit cherry that is you sickos. Enjoy.

Sandman: "Hey, hey Klaw."
Klaw: "Yes?"
Sandman: "
Hey, you get Wi-Fi on that thing on your arm? You know with you being made out of sound an' all?"

Klaw: " 'Sigh'....Yes, and I get Digital and free Cable too."
Sandman: "Niceeeee!"
Klaw: "Exactly."

Sandman: "Hey, can you get Flo-Rida on that thing? I love Good Feeling'!"
Klaw: "Yes, but I hate that accursed song! That shit is everywhere!"

-Oh no I didn't!!!!!!

Sandman: "Ya' get Porn on there too?"
Klaw: "Yeah I'm not talking to you anymore. Pervert."

Yeah Klaw's get a point. Flo-Rida is indeed everywhere. And while "Good Feeling" is catchy(hell I've even downloaded it) it's gotten to the point where it's on almost every commercial now. Crazy.

Monday, April 23, 2012

"Bang your head...Metal health will drive you mad!"

Hey folks. Enjoy the weekend? I'll take that as a yes/no.

Well today's skit is one long since done and in the can(no not that can you sickos) so enjoy.

Iron Man: "I'm Heavy Metal!"
Thor: "I say thee nay; I am heavy metal!"

Iron Man: "Am not!"
Thor: "'Tis true friend Tony!"
Iron Man: "Am not!"
Thor: "'Tis true!"

Iron Man: "Hey Steve, help us settle this thing between Thor and I. I say I'm Heavy Metal because, well look at me; I'm wearing a suit of metal armor, so I'm more heavy metal than Thor."

Thor: "I say thee no good Captain! I am Thor, God of Thunder! I am the very inspiration behind the very genre and every heavy metal band past, present, and future!"

Captain America: "That's a good point Thor."

Iron Man: "Maybe that weird Swedish metal crap, but not Metal in general! Hell, Black Sabbath named a song after me for God's Sake! It's even the main soundtrack in my movies. You don't even have your own song."

Captain America: "Tony made a good point there Thor, so-"

Thor: "Watch where thy tread friend Tony! You forgeth who thou speakth to. I am the very God of Heavy Metal Thunder, as the noble Steppenwolf and KISS both doth proclaim."

Iron Man: "Bullshit! you are not heavy metal!"

Thor: "'Tis so foul pretender!"

Iron Man: "Am not!"

Captain America: "Guys c'mon on, this is getting a little ridiculous here."

Captain America: "Guys! Guys!"

Thor: "'Tis true!"
Iron Man: "Am not!"
Thor: "'Verily I say, 'tis true!"
Iron Man: "Are not,I am!"

Thor: "I say thee nay! My father Odin and Brother Ronnie Dio(who doth dwell now in the halls of Valhalla) hath decreed it so!"

Iron Man: "The hell he did, plus he could never replace Ozzy Osbourne. And I'm heavy metal!"
Thor: "'Tis not, I am!"
Iron Man: "No,I am!"

Captain America: "Oh the hell with this! I'm gonna' go listen to my Glen Miller records!"

Thor: "I am!"
Iron Man: "No,I am!"

Well people, what do you think? Personally, they both make strong arguments for their respective cases, but they both are, so that should be that.

As always, feel free to hit me up on the comments section, and let me know what you guys think. Suggestions for future skits are also welcome as a couple you have already told me what you'd like to see, so feel free to suggest away. 

Friday, April 20, 2012

"Who ordered the Chicken Salad?"

Before I start off with today's skit, I wanted to address yesterday's post. Going back and looking at it, I think perhaps I crossed a line I didn't intend to cross at the time. Perhaps it was a bit too mature and adult for some and I accept that. I intended to start being a little more adult in humor, but not so adult, you'd have to slip a warning label on this blog.  I had forgotten, that sometimes/usually, that clever innuendos are the best method of being more adult in content without stepping over the line. Who amongst us haven't laughed or giggled(who giggles anymore?) out loud at the song lyrics by Aerosmith,  Van Halen, and especially Led Zeppelin and The Doors that were drenched in innuendos.

So from here on out, I won't get too dirty, but just enough to make you laugh at inappropriate stuff, because after all, we're all adults here right? Good. I haven't had any reprisals by Google or Blogger, this is merely me just checking myself, and saying, "yeah, I shouldn't have went there."

Alright, now on with the show:

The Joker: " Hey, chicken-fucker!"

Hawkman: "

            The Joker: "Ha Ha, Ha! I saaaaidddd Hey, chicken-fucker! Ha Ha!"

            Hawkman: "What in the hell did he mean by that?"

-Hawkman looks himself over in confusion.

Hawkman: "Oh yeah...I guess I can see it. Damn that Joker!"

And that was a tribute to the movie Super Troopers
 Here's the scene where it comes from, you know, just in case any of you haven't even seen this movie, which is a crime in and of itself:

I still can't believe it's been over 10 years since this has come out! Damn that makes me feel old(er).
And if I can go all George Carlin on you guys for a minute, where did the term "Time flies" come from anyway?

Has anyone seen Time litteraly fly? If it does indeed fly, where does it go? Does it have to go through the TSA in order to get where it's going? Things to ponder people, things to ponder.

Alright well that's all for today folks. Have a great weekend, and don't do anything too crazy....

Oh yeah, Happy 4/20 guys! You know......

Thursday, April 19, 2012

"Does whatever a Spider can..."

Well folks, today's post is a very special one for me. It's my 150th blog post, and I'm pretty psyched by it.
I wasn't too sure it was going to happen what with the computer troubles and all, but here I am, and here you all go: My 150th skit. Enjoy.

-Both stare at an apartment building in New York.

Spider-Man: "Hey, wanna' play rocks, paper, scissors to see who gets to bang MJ first?"

Black Spidey: "Sure, why not. It's been a slow day anyway."

-Both play rocks, paper, scissors.

Black Spidey: "Ha, I win!"

Spider-Man: "Damn, not again!"

Spider-Man: "So what are you gonna' do to her?"

Black Spidey: "That's for me to know and you to find out S-man. Ha! Anal man, strictly anal."

Spider-Man: "I'm know I'm going to regret this, but why anal?"

Black Spidey: "Because I'm a Backdoor-Man, that's why."

                       Spider-Man: "TMI dude, TMI!"

The end.

And now for some extras:

           -Both men stare down at the sight down below.

                       Black Spidey: "Flip ya' for the Teen Titan cutie who's playing street pizza down there?"

               Spidey: "Okay."

"Closing time. You don't have to go home but you can't stay here."

Well..... I kinda always knew this day would come, and it sure has. It's been a hell of a ride, but it's time to for it end. Ti...