Tales from the top shelf: Nekron's Blues

Hey people.
Today I figured I'd try something different, as I begin a series of short skits under the "Tales from the top shelf" banner. Enjoy.

Nekron: "Wait, what's is this infernal place I've been taken to?"

                           Ultra-Humanite: "Ah, greetings Nekron old chap. You're right where you belong,                  here in the land of uncompleted C&C's."


                           Nekron: "What!?"

Nekron: "No, that can't be, Nooo! I was the star of Blackest Night! Surely that must count for something?"

Ultra-Humanite: "Sorry chum. But your new home is here. You'll get used to it once you've accepted the fact that you're not completed, and might not ever be."

Nekron: "Nooooooo!"

Ultra-Humanite: "Oh come now. It isn't all that bad here. Triton performs delightful magic tricks and karoke on Fridays.

Trigon: "Pick a card, any card? Is this yours?"

Ultra-Humanite: "Whilst I re-enact scenes from Shakespeare on PBS Sundays. You'll learn to love this place as we all have."

Nekron: "I can't believe I've been relegated to this...this..."

OMAC: "Hell-hole? And might I say, just from looking at you all this time....Damn!"

Nekron: "Yes hell-hole. Thank you. Wait, what did you just say?"

Nekron: "Oh me! If I wasn't already dead, I'd kill myself! I wonder if anyone here happens to have Dr. Kevorkian's phone number?"

Trigon: "What's his problem? At least he has one of his natural legs."

Ultra-Humanite: "Perhaps our poor,dear fellow here is on a hunger strike. 'Twould explain the starving artist look he's chosen to adapt."

And just to show you how many spare/uncompleted C&C/BAF parts I have from collecting figures over the years.......

Quite a mess huh? And no, I'm not sure if they'll ever be completed. But I won't say no to donations:)

Oh, and Alan Scott, the Golden Age Green Lantern, might be gay. I guess that explains his son Obsidian. Well maybe not, but still.......

"Evenflow"

This is dedicated to one little lady(and you know who you are)

Captain Cold: "Ha ha ha ha! Now that you hapless fools are on ice,  and lightened of your load of money, I'll be on my way before some pompious do-gooder happens by."

Random Victim: "Ugh! Help us, somebody. I can't feel my legs and there's a kid trapped in ice under here."

Captain Cold: "Chill out asshole. I'm sure you'll be thawed out soon.  Ha ha ha!"

Zatanna: "Ugh! I just wanna' get through this day. Great now what? I'm picking up a robbery in progress on the police scanner through the airwaves. And just when I needed to go pick of some Midol too."

Captain Cold: "Ah, Zatanna. About time one of you damn do-gooders showed up. So what's it gonna' be? Do I get my money or do these poor idiots live the rest of their disgusting lives as human popcicles?"

Zatanna: "Oh man! I really don't have time for this. Look, Aunt Flow just came to town, so can we just skip to the part where you surrender or I knock you out so I can go home?"

Captain Cold: "Wait, what!? You're on the rag? Riding the crimson wave? Swiming the blood canal?

Zatanna: "Yesss!"

Captain Cold: "So lemme' get this straight; One of the most powerful beings in the whole entire planet who can erase me out of existence with a backward word is on her period?"

Zatanna: "For the last time, yes! Wanna' make something of it?" 

Captain Cold: "Okay, I surrender. I didn't really need the dough anyway. Just going to waste it on some hookers later anyways."

Zatanna: "Yeah, I really don't need to hear about your dysfunctional love-life."

Captain Cold: "You want to me to get you some cranberry juice? I can make it into an icee?"

Zatanna: "Grrrrrr!"

Random Victim: "Hey! What the fuck guys!? Human popsicles over here. Hey, howzabout getting us outta' here? C'mon, my nuts are fucking frozen over here. My balls feel like a bag of frozen peas for fuck's sake! 'Sign' I knew I shouldn't have gone to work today."

The End

Extras/Bonus:

Captain Cold: "It's your turn to pull me on the sleigh mommy. Now do it!"

Zatanna: "'Sigh' I should've just got that abortion like the doctor recommended."

"You're so Gay you don't even know it"

Extra, Extra! Fresh off the press. My response to the DC super-hero hetero/homo switch controversy. Now that was a mouthful. Get it? Wink, wink, say no more.

A quick disclaimer is on order though. While I am heavily ridiculing DC for this ridiculous way of drumming up support for slumping sales and bad press due to their mistreatment of Alan Moore, I am not ridiculing or making fun of Gays/Homosexuals. They as a people/minority group and American citizens, deserve the same respect and support that anyone else in the US and aboard deserves. They're people too, and shouldn't be hated on due to something as small as sexual preference. Besides I have a very good gay friend who'd be pissed if I did.(Hey Jake!)
Well two, if you count Shlomo Ben, but I digress.

Alright on with the show.

Robin: "Holy Dilema ! DC's going to make some prominent super-hero who was straight,and make them Gay. Man, I hope it's not me!"

Robin: "Not that there's anything wrong with being gay, but I just can't stand being turned into a cliche' just for the sake of controversy. I mean, it's bad enough to have to put up with the "Batman and Robin are gay"jokes all year-round, but to actually have it possibly made true is more than I can take!"

Obsidian: "Hey there Mary! How's my favorite crime-fighting fairy doing?" Grabs Robin's ass.

Robin: "Would you quit it? It's bad enough I got to deal with the gay jokes, but I don't need to be sexually-harassed too!"

Obsidian: "Touchy, touchy. What's got your panties in a twist? Trouble at home with the old ball and chain? Ha ha!"

Robin: "Haven't you read? DC's making one of us gay. They won't say who, but I have a bad feeling it's going to be me."

Obsidian: "So what if they do? Would that be the worst thing in the world? Personally I'd love to see more pitch-hitters in the DCU. I mean, just because I'm butch doesn't mean I can't kick somebody's ass and look fierce doing it."

Robin: "I guess so but still.....

Obsidian: "I mean look at all the gay antics you and the old man have been into all these years. And for time's sake I'm not even going to mention the boners the Joker's tried giving you and Batman back in the day.(It's true kids. Go to Superdickery.com for quick photo evidence.) Let's have a quick looksee shall we....."

Robin: "Sob. Oh god could it be true? Could I really be gay all this time? What will Batman say?"

Obsidian" No offense Mary, but you're name is Dick sooooooo...."

Batman: "Robin! The Bat-pole won't grease itself. Now hop to it lad, The Riddler's escaped Arkham again, and we need to go kick his ass again for the 50,000th time."

Obsidian: "What was that about being a cliche'? I guess someone's in for a long night."

Robin: "Grrr! Shut up Todd!"

Speaking of Gay, here's one for you Shlomo, way to represent your people man. Hang in there bro. Ha!

 And here's some other funny pics I found on the web:

                       And this is what Batman and Robin would look like if they were real and really gay.

Awwwwwww! Don't they look like a nice, sweet couple?

Number One in the Hood G!

How the hell are you fellow Freaks and Geeks? I kid you're not....I think.

Sorry for the delay. Had computer troubles again, but so far so good today.
Anyhoo, here's a quick ditty from a backlog of skit pics I've been coasting off of. Enjoy.

Robotman: "I'm rough and stuff with my afro puffs!"

Negative Man: "Rock on with you bad self!"

Negative Man: "Wait. Where the hell did that come from?"

Robotman: "How the hell should I know Lar? And what the blue blazes is an afro puff? Sounds like a crazy blacksploitation cereal from the 70's to me."

Negative Man: "Yo, I feel you Cliff. Word to ya' mother! West Sideeee!"

Robotman: "Don't ever do that again Larry, or I swear to god I'll feed you to those pelicans you hate so much."

Robotman: "Seriously Lar, don't ya' know you're white?"

Negative Man: "Well duh, look at me. I'm like the Invisible Man and the Unknown Soldier all wrapped up into one.....but prettier!"

Robotman: "You think you're a real comedian now huh? A regular Don Rickles you are."

Tomorrow I address DC's Homo hero controversy. It's a dozy.

"The Five Of Us Are Dying" Part 2

Here it is folks,
the moment you've all been waiting for(or not), it is now time for the other shoe to drop......

-Previously, Five strangers were randomly chosen by an unknown entity and transported to various locations foreign to the person involved. Not only did they find themselves in different locations from the ones they began their days in, but they were also surprised and astonished to find they were each in different bodies as well.  Who could possibly have the power to alter such lives? Why? And what could possibly be next for our heroic five? 

-The scene is set, and you awaken to realize you're not where you think you were, nor do you look like who you think you are. You're Dan, and you're day has just gotten very weird indeed......

Act Four: Dingo ate my boomerang!

Dan: (looks at himself)"Oy! What's this? Where am I? Oy! Come on. Seriously mate? Just 'cause I'm an Aussie doesn't mean I have to be bleedin' Cap'n Boomerang! Bloody racist! Just for this, I'm sending an army of angry kiwis after you ya' bloody arvo!"

-Yes Dan, I know Arvo means eveing. I just like the way it sounds. Sue me.

"Well, no sense in taking a lie down when I can go for a walkabout. Damn this bush is rough! reminds me of an old girlfriend of mine. And her mum. Ugh! Lucky for me, or whoever dropped me off here, I have a razor-boomerang on me. Christ! This is harder to get through than reading a skit by Mr. Morbid."

"Hold on, what's this? Who the bloody hell are you?"

Random Native: "Oy! I'm the person who bloody lives here. Who in the piss are you, you bloody bludger? Can't a girl use her dunny in privacy?"

Dan: "I don't care what you do you cow, I just want to know how I got here, wherever here is."

"As for who I am, I'm Cap-Dan, and I'm the one with this giant machete, which I somehow mysteriously have on me all of a sudden. Christ mate, it's called natural story progression. Look into it sometime eh?

Random Native: "You better rack off before I hurt you with my knife!"

Dan: "That's not a knife you silly galah, this is a knife! Now bugger off before I show you how bloody sharp this is, and then you'll be....you know, bloody."

Random Native: "Arhhhhhhh!"

Dan: "That oughta' do her straight.  Good 'onya ya' moo cow! Now to find my bloody way out of this bloody mess, and find the bloke responsible for this balls-up affair. Damn! Never a Ute or a Tinnie when you need one. I suppose I could chuck a leftie round that hill there."

End of Act Four.

And elsewhere, in another part of the world we find the fifth stranger, Mr.Morbid.....

Act Five: I'm going through changes

Mr. Morbid: "Ughhh my aching head! I knew I shouldn't have had that last shot of Crown. Fuck me running!"

"Wait a minute, what the hell? Is that hair? That can't be I'm bald!(thanks evil genetics!)

Wait, this isn't my body! And why am I wearing short shorts? I'm not Daisy Duke. This is Mr. Morbid's House of Fun, not the Dukes of Hazzard! Oh shit, something's really wrong here."

"What the fuck man!? I know I wanted my hair back, but not like this!  Not as Kamandi! C'mon, change me back into something else. Something cooler, like maybe a Green Lantern or something.

-A mysterious voice suddenly says "okay!"

POOF!

"Well, did it work? What am I now?"

"Alright! I'm a GL. Hell Yeah! Wait, wait a minute. Is that my head? Oh shit! I'm Maash! Fuck!"

"Not cool man, not cool! I have a giant turd for a head! There can be only one person or thing(for the sake of this story) responsible for this.....Bat-Mite! Damn you!!!!!!"

-Elsewhere we find......

Bat-Mite: "What, you were expecting maybe Bugs Bunny or Elmer Fudd? Nope just your friendly neighborhood elf from the 5th Dimension. Ain't I just a stinka!? HA HA HA HA HA HA!"

End of Act Five.

-Epilogue.....Deus Ex Machina

Zatanna: "Omega, good I've found you! There's no time to explain, but I got to free you and the others!"

Omega: "Hey pretty lady! You must be tired because you've been running through my mind all day!"

Zatanna: "I don't have time for this. We have to leave now!"

Omega: "We can catch up with those losers later, but for now how about you rest for awhile. I got the duct tape and bottled water."

Zatanna: "But Bat-Mite..."

Omega: "Can wait sweet cheeks. This tiger's been caged up too long and wants to freak. ya' dig? Arroooooooo!"

Zatanna: "Sometimes I really hate my job!"

To be concluded.....

And that's that. Yes I will finish up the story later, but for now I think I'll just bask in the glow of my achievement. 

Hey Dan, the researching Australian slang part was easy, but damn you guys talk funny! Ute? Tinnie? You cats are crazy! Love ya', mean it.

Finally, if you didn't already know, I'm a huge music fan, especially classic rock. Call me lazy, but I really love using titles of rock/music songs as titles for my skits, you know, in case you haven't already figured that out. So what song am I referencing here? NIN/Nine Inch Nails's "The four of us are dying." It's a really good instrumental track, that oddly enough could unofficially or officially be the the theme song to this story. Do yourself a favor and check it out here:

Have a good weekend guys, and hoped you enjoyed this humble little distraction I call a skit.

I enjoyed creating this thing almost as much as you guys probably had fun clicking off it. Ha!