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Thursday, June 28, 2012

"Angel of the morning"

Quickly counting down to my 200th post. I should reach that by the 1st or 2nd week of July, so yea me:)

If you're not familiar with today's title, you should be. It's from singer Juice Newton and her classic 80's hit "Angel of the morning." Duh!

Here's what it sounds like, just in case it doesn't quite ring a bell"

Not bad huh?

And she has a hell of a voice to boot! Oh and that name is fucking awesome. If she wasn't a singer, I'd swear she was a pornstar. "Juice" Newton indeed!

Hey just consider it my unofficial mission to enlighten and teach you good folks some musical history.
Your welcome.


And now on to today's skit. Enjoy bitches:)

Maash: "Oh my achin' heads! What the hell happened last night?"

Low: "Hey cutie! That was soooome night last night huh?"

Maash: "Uh yeah, yeah. My heads are still pounding! I think I drank way too much last night."

Low: "Well don't worry sexy, because my ass is sore too after the pounding you gave me."
(touching Maash's ass)
Maash: "Whaaaaat!? You can't be serious!? I'm not gay!"

Low: "Well you coulda fooled me sexy. Although after all that pillow-talk, you weren't saying much except how that was the best ****job you ever had, and how much you loved me. Don't you remember?"

Maash: "Duh! I was drunk man! I'm not gay either, so can we just forget last night ever happened, because I'd very much like too."

-Starts crying.
Low: "Sniff, mom always warned me about giving my heart and ass to a pretty face. And she was so right. Bwahhhhhh! Just call me Angel of the morning, angel. Just touch my cheek before you leave me, darling. Sob."

Extra:

Angel: "Is this thing on? Yeah, okay then. Yeah Angel, founding member of the X-Men here. And no I don't endorse this skit. It's not because of the Juice Newton-inspired title, because, hey, I like a little Juice Newton every no and then. And no, it's not because of the gays. Hey I like gay people. I even let a few of them design some of my last costumes obviously. Hell even Iceman's gay. Well, at least I think he is. It's hard to tell sometimes, so I'll just go with a yes to be on the safe side. 

No, I'm pissed because the title has Angel in it, but I'm not the main star of the skit. So, you guys should really be paying me royalties to use my name. And yes I did trademark the name "Angel", thus why I'm owed royalties. Hey I'm rich; I'm supposed to be a dick. Deal with it."





Wednesday, June 27, 2012

"Pets or Meat"

If you've ever watched the Michael Moore documentary on the unemployment crisis in Flint, Michigan like I have then you'll know where the title to this post came from:)

Here's the clip in question, from the documentary Roger and Me:


Hey don't look at me, I wasn't the one that did that to the poor bunny:(

Anyways here's a more light-hearted take on Animal rights.
Enjoy!

The Hunter: "I loves ya' Kelly ol' gal. Ever since I ate ol' Bessy, I've been hankerin' for a hunk of sweet, sweet moo patties."

Kelly: "Moo, moo? Moooo!"

Animal Man: "Hold on citizen! Meat is murder!

The Hunter: "Awww shoot! Not this horse-shit again. Nawww you hold on there city-slicker. I can's do what I want 'cause own this here steer ya' hear?"

The Hunter: "Now what'cha goin' do about that mister?"

Animal Man: "How tall are you?"

The Hunter: "The hell does it matter? How long's a piece of string? Too Got-damn long that's what!"

Animal Man: "Hmm. Good enough."

Animal Man kicks the hunter.

-Yeah I know it looks horrible, but I couldn't very well take a good picture of Animal Man kicking the poor bastard since the A-Man figure had an annoying tendency to fall over when he's only balanced on one foot. So work with me here people.

Hunter: "Aggggh!"

Animal Man: "I hope he wasn't a midget, because I'd hate to have think I'd just committed a hate crime."

Animal Man: "Let's go Kelly. We can get a nice tofu wrap or you know, whatever you're in the mood for. That sound good to you?"

Kelly: "Mooooo!"

Animal Man: "Ha ha ha. You said a mouthful."

Hunter: "Ughhhhh! I think I'ma gonna' retire from this here skit business. Ughhhh!"






Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Pop-Life: Best of the Brits

Hey people.

For today's post, I wanted to do something a little different, and use another part of my brain that I don't exercise too much when it comes to this blog: Music, specifically, talking about the types of music I really enjoy.


So today, I thought I'd I do a little quick piece about some of my favorite British bands to come out of the 90's, and the musical movement/genre they inspired called Britpop.

Here's a quick rundown of  my 5 favorite Brisitsh bands to come out of the 90's that I enjoyed(and still do) listening to:


1). Blur

One of my favorite Brit bands to come out of the 90's, Blur definitely changed how I saw and heard music. With hits like "Boys and Girls", "Song2", "Coffee and TV", "The Universal", and "Parklife", Blur led the Britpop movement and influenced countless bands and singers along the way, and were only truly rivaled by the band, Oasis. I remember when I first heard "Boys and Girls." Fucking crazy, awesome song that one is. You just have to love the beat and weird musical effects they throw in that one. But as far as actual albums, my first was 13, which came out in 1999. With songs like "Trimm Trab", "Coffee and TV", and "No distance left run"(feel like that now) they cemented a permanent place in my heart and cd collection. Not to mention, this album and Silverchair's Neon Ballroom were the soundtracks of my life at that time, as they both came along with me as I traveled for the 1st time out of the small town I live in now, out with my Uncle Dale(yes, he's the reason why I'm named Dale. I blame him and my mom) all the way to Virginia. Sweet 18 indeed!

I bought Blur's next album, after that, their Best of, which I highly recommend if you're even the slightest bit interested in them. This album has all their hits, and even includes a bonus live album. Good, good stuff.

They officially broke up for good in 2009, and lead singer Damon Alburn's in a little band you might have heard of called The Gorillaz. So while they all left and went their separate ways Blur always be a top ranked Britpop band to me.

2). Oasis
Ahh, the Gallagher brothers. Even though they were heavily influenced by the Beatles(and that's not a bad thing), they acted more like the Rolling Stones than anything else, as stories of the brothers' infamous drunken brawling, both on- and off-stage, made for some nice tabloid articles.  I didn't care about all that though, as that's just part and parcel of the rock n' roll lifestyle. No, I was more into what really mattered to me, the music. I first became aware of Oasis in 1995, when their smash hits "Wonderwall", and "Don't look back in anger." I'd heard about the comparisons to the Beatles, and how they were nothing but a Beatles' cover band and all that shit, but really, no one can be the Beatles, EXCEPT the Beatles. Yes, Oasis certainly did show through song titles and arrangements how much they were influenced by the Beatles, but that's about it. "Supersonic", and "Champagne Supernova" were next, and I was really getting into them then. And then by 1999, Standing on the shoulders of giants came out, and I was really hooked! I bought the CD, despite only really knowing and liking one song, "Go let it out", but wound up loving the entire album.


Did I mention the Gallaghers liked to fight? and not just each other? As I stated earlier, in the minds of the public and music critics alike, only a band like Blur were viewed  as the only true rivals for the hearts, minds, and wallets of customers.  So much so were they rivals, that when Blur's single "Country House" beat out Oasis's single "Roll with it" in August of '95, Noel Gallagher was later quoted  in September of that same year that he hoped "Damon Albarn and Alex James of Blur would "catch AIDS and die". Crazy huh?


Oasis would later break up in 2009, the same year as Blur. Interesting .


3). Radiohead


While not intrinsically linked with the Britpop movement, Radiohead's still one of the most popular and politically outspoken bands in the UK. Led by vocalist Thom Yorke, Radiohead's proved to be one of those really musically diverse and experimental bands. Radiohead really became popular in the 90's, with their first smash hit "Creep." I really liked one, as it slowly, but surely started to get me interested in the band.Then came "Fake Plastic Trees."I first heard and thought it was alright, but wasn't too impressed by it. It was featured in the popular teen movie Clueless, but again, it was alright, but not as good as their later material. That would be their 1997 album and my personal favorite of theirs, OK Computer


Every song from top to bottom is just fantastic, from "Airbag" to "The Tourist" just comes alive with such energy and computer-effect driven propulsion. I first got introduced to this album by first watching the video to Paranoid Android. It's a crazy fucking video, that's right up my alley in weirdness and graphic displays of animated sex and violence.


Here, I'll show you:


Of course not content to rest on their success, they followed that up with Kid A and Hail to the Thief. I liked Kid A, but nowhere near as much as Ok Computer. The last hit single I enjoyed from Radiohead lately was "House of cards." It just has a great beat and all-around sweet, sweet arrangement. Radiohead will always have a place in music collection, and they should have a little place in yours as well.


Wow, that just sounded like something from one of those kids from Reading Rainbow. You know, the one  that used to pimp books that they had just read to other kids? Crazy.


4). The Verve


Yes the Verve, known world-wide for the biggest, and probably only hit, "Bittersweet Symphony. If you were anywhere around a TV or radio in 1997 when this song came out, than odds are you heard it, got tired of it, heard some more, and the got really sick of it. I remember hearing the song, then watching them perform live at a concert on MTV. That performance really influenced me to go out and buy the their album. Ahh Bittersweet Symphony, I personally love the song, and funny video that has lead singer Richard  Ashcroft just bumping into people on the street, walking on top of cars, and knocking people over without giving a fuck. Funny, funny shit, that I'd like to do myself.....if I had no manners or regard for anybody's else's health..or mine.


Of course the rest of the very album that spawned Bittersweet Symphony, Urban Hymns, is every bit as good as the hit single in my mind. Sure most of them are kind of downbeat or straight up downers, but they still great. Of course the true irony for the band having a hit called Bittersweet Symphony, is that due to the fact that they heavily sampled the main backing beat/chorus from the Rolling Stone, the British courts ruled in favor of the 'Stones, and awarded full rights and royalties to them. Yeah, like they need the money. Bittersweet indeed. I haven't checked up on them in good while, but recently found that they too broke up in '09. WTF is up with that year? Has that year been deemed the universally agreed upon time to break up if you were in a hit band in the 90's?


5).Travis


Most of you are probably, going who? No this isn't a singer in the same vain as Prince or Madonna. Nope this is the popular British band Travis. While technically referred to as a post-Britpop band, that doesn't make this band any less relevant in my eyes.


I first heard this group while in one my favorite comic book stores in Columbia, SC, Heroes and Dragons. (Free plug guys!:) It was here of all places, that I heard the group for the first time while digging through the comic bins. Someone in the back was either a big fan or just happened to have their album handy, because it played all the way through, from beginning to end. This album was their 2nd, and the one to really get the band noticed. It was their 1999 release, The Man Who. And no, I don' know who the man is or what he did, but I do know after hearing the whole thing, I wanted more. I eventually found out who the band's name was, and from what album those wonderful songs came from. It was this album, and yes, I quickly snatched it up. The major hit to come out of this album "Why does it always rain on me?" is what got my attention, but then listening to other songs like "Writing to reach you", "Turn", and "She's so strange" kept it.


They followed that up 2001's The Invisible Band, which featured such hits like "Sing" and "Flowers in the window". I kind of stopped following them after that, as 2001 was a very crazy year for me. Remind to explain in this blog later. But yeah, I'd highly recommend giving them Travis a listen. I'm a sucker for songs with melody, sweaping lines and choruses, and amazing back beats. Not to mention vocals. My god does singer Fran Healy(no, he's a dude people!) have a beautiful voice!


The band's still chugging along, and still putting out records, even as recent as 2010. And singer Fran Healy put out a solo album that same year. I need to go check that out on the internet.




So there, that's my little stroll down memory lane with these Britpop bands, and what they mean to me.
I highly suggest giving them a shot, just in case you already haven't. They're not bad, I promise.

Monday, June 25, 2012

Hulk Love Kitty

Whew! Can't believe it's almost the end of the month already. Where the hell does the time go?

Speaking of time, it's time for a short skit involving the Hulk and Cheetah, as I attempt to answer what the Hulk does when he's lonely.

Enjoy!

Hulk-Grundy: "Here Kitty, kitty. Hulk-Grundy like nice kitty."

Cheetah: "Oh God, here we go again! Ahem, This is the 3rd time this week, aren't you tired of me yet handsome?"

Hulk-Grundy: "Haw, haw. No, Hulk-Grundy like nice kitty. Hulk-Grundy want to pet nice kitty again and again until she purrs."

Cheetah: "Pet me, pay me! Let's see some cash, and I'll let you pet my ass got it?"

Hulk-Grundy: "Sigh. Okay, Hulk-Grundy broke, but Hulk-Grundy go find ATM now. Nice Kitty stay here and Hulk-Grundy be right back."

Cheetah: "You'd better or no petting, and no making me purr! Now hurry up and go make Kitty happy."

Cheetah: "Wow! Solomon Grundy sure has gotten a lot dumber lately, even for him. And why is he calling himself Hulk-Grundy?"

Extra Scene:

Hulk-Grundy: "Can pretty kitty make change for a $20?"

Cheetah: "Can I what!? What type of girl do you think I am you cheap bastard? Come back when you have more money to spend on me than a lousy 20 bucks!"

Cheetah: "I swear to God if he wasn't so hung, I'd stay away from the big dumb retard!"

Just.....damn!

It's like they say,"Pimpin' ain't easy", and nether is whoring obviously.










Thursday, June 21, 2012

Fire Hazard

Just to get you guys in the mood for today's skit, I provided a little soundtrack that'll get you in the right frame of mind, courtesy of the Ohio Players and their hit single "Fire". So sit back and take a listen.

Don't mind me, I'll wait for ya'.


Okay, you ready? Good.

Firestorm: "Uh, should we be you know, standing next to each other? I figured we both might blow up or something if we're standing too close together."

Pyro: "Bugger if I care mate. That's why I'm a super-villain, so's I don't have to follow any bleeding rules or orders as such. Like my dad used to say, No rules, just right!"

Firestorm: "Uh, I think that's the slogan for Outback Stackhouse you're referring to."

Pyro: "You calling me ol' man a Jack of tall tales? That he ain't dinkum? You bloody angora! I outta' burn ya' damn lips off!"

Firestorm: "What the hell are you talking about? And who's a jack a what? And I'm pretty sure I don't have an angora; I have a penis thank you very much. Although now that I think about it, I do have an Aunt Flora... I think. Anyways, learn to speak English man! Maybe that's why you get into so many fights."

Pyro: "Piss off ya' bloody wanker!"

Captain Atom: "Hey guys what's up?"

Firestorm: "Okay, now we should be worried."

Bonus Scene:

Firestorm: "Hey! Those are mine! Give 'em back!"

Captain Atom: "Sorry soldier but I just bought a timeshare for these babies, and I aim to get my money's worth."

Firestorm: "Doh!"

So how'd I do Dan? I think I'm slowly, but surely getting the hang of Australian slang. Of course being able to look this shit up on the internets(yes internets for you Prince fans) makes things super easy for me.

One of the words I just happened to see, is Liquid Laugh. That's Aussie slang for vomiting/puking. I had a good laugh myself off of that one.

Speaking of puking, here's a funny little embrassing personal story of mine:

I was in 4th grade at the time, and me and some classmates were talking about different colored-boobs. Yeah I know, real highbrow stuff for a 10 yr-old. Don't ask me how we got on that topic but we did. So we all start to get really ridiculous by just calling out different colors of boobs, again real highbow stuff here.

So I start laughing, and laughing, all while eating big bites of pizza in-between all this. Well I laugh so hard, I forget to swallow, and I start choking. The really messed up part is, I was laughing and choking at the same time, because for some fucked up reason, I was too damn amused by the image of different-colored breasts, to stop and deal with me choking. So from there I proceeded to puke, and I mean puke hardcore, all the while I'm still laughing my ass off! Everybody at the table scattered like roaches when you turn on the lights, and quickly moved away from the colorful, liquid pyrotechnics shooting out of my mouth. What's funny is they were  both disgusted, yet were laughing at me, and I was laughing at myself and the brightly-colored boobs too!

After that a kind custodian saw what was going on, took me outside, and performed the Heimlich maneuver on me.

I was fine after that, and even got a free 2nd lunch to boot. And you know what? I still laughed even after all that. Yeah, what can I say, I was a silly ,stupid kid back then, except now I'm just a silly, stupid man.

And that was one of many adventures I had while doing the liquid laugh. Literally!

Have a good weekend folks, and please don't laugh and puke at the same time. It's not for everyone!





Wednesday, June 20, 2012

"Jeepers Creepers"

I don't know if you guy have or not, but I highly recommend you check out Googum's Doom Patrol skits. For about 6 months or so, he's had Robotman, Negative Man, and Nightcrawler(yes him) holding tryouts for an official 3rd member. The whole cast of characters that go through these tryouts make for some funny crazy moments. So do yourself a favor and check 'em out.

-Did I do good Poppa? Did I, Did I?

Alright folks, on with today's skit that finally features the newly bought action figures versions of  the literary children of legendary comic artist Steve Ditko, Hawk and Dove, they have to deal with that wild and crazy guy himself, The Creeper.

Enjoy!

Creeper:"Hi ya Brother! Come make with the hugs!"

Dove: "Brother?"

Hawk: "For the last time, you're not my brother! My brother's dead you crazy asshole!"

Creeper: "Touchy, tou-chy! I just mean we have the same daddy. You know, Papa Ditko?"

Hawk: "Aw christ! Not this bullshit again! Go away Creeper! Don't you have some other poor guy to go bother?"

Creeper: "Nope. Since the reboot I've had oodles of time. Best Vaca I've ever had! Thanks Didio!"

Dove: "Giggle. I wish we had a vacation."

Hawk: "Don't encourage him Dove. Now go away Creeper!"

Creeper: "Awww, what's the matter Mr. Angry Bird? Constipated? You look constipated. In fact, you look like you haven't shit in 8 issues. Ha ha!  Get it? 8 issues? Because that's that how long your last series lasted. Ha!"

Dove: "Ha ha! That's like so funny!"

Hawk: "Grrrr!"

Creeper: "Hey Mr. Angry Bird, seriously though, tell me how it feels to have your book get cancelled?"

Dove: "Uh oh!"

Hawk: "About as good as it's gonna' feel when I beat your head so far down into your body,  you'll be eating out of your ass as opposed to talking out of it!"

Creeper: "Like from that one South Park episode? Gee, I don't know. Can I call my chiropractor and get back to you on that?"

Dove: "Giggle"

Hawk: "Grrr!"






Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Ben x(times) Ten!

Here's a short one today, but I think you guys will appreciate it just the same. And yes, it's definitely a play off the title, but it doesn't involve who you think it does.......unless your sick and smart:)


The Thing: "Hey Ladies! See something you like? 'Cause I'm aimin' to git my rocks off, haw haw!"

The ladies are stunned into silence, but can't turn away from the shocking sight!

Zatanna: "So that's why they call him The Thing!"

Cheetah: "My god! It looks like a big bowl of fruity pebbles!"

The ever lovin' end.


And here's a bonus variant "cover" of sorts for this skit:


Also on unrelated note, yesterday was my favorite Beatles' birthday! 

Yes, Sir Paul Mccartney turned 70 yrs young, so wish him well. Happy Belated birthday Sir Paul!.

Monday, June 18, 2012

Artsy-Fartsy

Hey people.

I figured for today's post since I didn't take any new pics, I'd float by today by posting some of my forays into creative art. And yes I did take Graphic Design, but my skills are nowhere where'd I like them to be. So bear with me, and humor my ass for a little bit okay?

You know all those funny demotivational and Pwned pics that you find everywhere on the internet? Yeah I enjoy a good bit of them too. So much in fact, that I even tried my hand at a few. Enjoy.

Remember where that quote came from? Here's a hint, it was before the hideous George Clooney era, but right after the awesome Michael Keaton series.

This is from an actual picture of Adam West riding an elephant. And no, I don't know why the fuck he was doing that, but what the hell, he's Adam West!

 And here's some variations on the theme:




Any House of 1000 Corpses fans in the audience? I fell in love instantly with this cult-classic hit by Rob Zombie when I first saw this movie. Then he made the sequel, Devil's Rejects, and I really dug that. Not only did I really enjoy the sequel as much as the first, but it's in Devil's Rejects that I discovered classic rocker,Terry Reid. Of course all those things are topics for another day, back to what I was originally talking about.

Anyway, I made a faux-movie poster-type thing for House of 1000 Corpses using the picture I took of my uncompleted C&C's and various spare parts. Here's at least seven different versions of what I was trying to accomplish, and yes I like to change things up and make several variations in a theme:








As you can clearly see, I was playing around with what type of font best suited the logo for the faux-poster, and since I'm not good enough to photoshop the real movie logo onto the poster, I went with the next best thing of trying out various fonts.

I personally like the all-red, and and red- and yellow- Psycho-style fonts myself.

Next up is really old work I did on MS Paint. I was creating a faux-comic book cover for a superhero character of sorts I created called "Bug Man." Yes, I know, very creative name genius"(sarcasm)

But it's the best and easiest I can thing of that applies to a guy who's basically Animal Man, but with bug powers only. His visual was kind of based of an old TNMT episode I watched where a scientist/entomologist, was working on some kind of weird formula, for something, I don't know. But he was attacked by Foot soldiers, and left for dead, whilst being drenched in his own formula and various other chemicals. Yeah I know that sounds perverted if taken out of context, but I swear that's how it happened. It was the early 90's, what'd you expect?

Anyways, he wakes up and starts to grow wings, a scorpion tail, bug eyes, and pinchers out of the side of his mouth. I'm talking shit that you probably saw in the movie Guyver. Yeah, that kind of freaky! Hell he made Baxter Stockman look like Antonio Bandareas compared to what this guy wind up looking like.

Here's Baxter Stockman:
baxtor14.jpg

So yeah, that's how I imagined would happen to this guy I made up. He was/is a scientist trying to work on a super-soldier-like serum, but loaded to the fucking nine with different types of bug DNA and venom/blood, and there you go.

And here's the kicker, you know who his main antagonist is? Come on, it's so obvious? The Extreminator!
Yep, I'm just a creative sonuvabitch sometimes.


So here's my humble effort at a possible comic book cover for Bug-Man:







The text on the side, in case you're wondering what the fuck that's all about, is my attempt at insect language- speak for Bug-Man. Again, I'm just so damn creative, can't you tell?

Interesting factoid, or not, I used to want to be an Entomologist when I was little, since I liked bugs so much, or rather killing them so much. I guess its a good thing that never happened, or else I might have ended up as a bug exterminator since I don't think I'd have the attention span or good enough grades to make it as a scientist.


Oh wait! On further investigation into the bug doctor episode, I discovered he too was called Bugman, and was Michelangelo's favorite super-hero. Nice.

Here's what he looked like transforming, you know,just in case you were curious:


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I told you he looked freaky.