Thursday, August 01, 2013

Top 5: Worst Replacement Partners for Batman


So, I was trying to figure out what the hell to write about today(nothing usual there after the obligatory two skits for the week are done;) and the idea hit me.

The ever trusty Top 5 list.
But about what?

Then, since I've just finished one Batman skit for next week, I figured "fuck it", let's do a list about Batman.
"And now you know the rest of the story", as legendary radio personality Paul Harvey used to say.

I started thinking about Batman being partner-less ever since DC killed off his son Damien, and then I started thinking off the top of my head, who'd be absolutely terrible partners for him.
So, here's my picks for the Top 5 worst partners Batman could ever get stuck with:

Marvel Comics-Wise:

5). Obnoxio, The Clown:

This crazy bastard first showed up in the MU as a mascot of sorts for Marvel Comics's then humor magazine, Crazy, which was a rip-off of sorts of Mad Magazine published by DC.

He then later appeared in his own one-shot when Kitty Pryde hired him to come to X-Mansion as a birthday clown. One disagreement led to another, and Obnoxio wind up pwning the entire X-Men team, Wolverine included. Not to mention he survives the infamous danger room with just a bag of his own personal gags.

Now seeing as how Batman already has a predisposition to hate clowns, It'd be funny as hell to see the usually humor-less Dark Knight Detective forced to have this mean-spirited, vulgar clown as his partner.
Oh god, I can just see it all now......

4). The Hulk:

I believe the one-shot team-up issue with these two int he early 80's already proved why these two would never make great partners. Not to mention Batman would have to deal with whatever version/persona of the Hulk decided to show up for work that day. Will it be the Savage Hulk? Mr. Fixit(right Dan?) or Savage Banner? Intelligent Hulk? What about Maestro? Either way, I see Mrs.Banner's baby boy causing never-ending headaches and property damage. On the plus side, I don't see Batman's entire rogues gallery lasting more than minute against the Hulk. 'Nuff Said.

3). The Punisher:

Oh you know this one would be good, or bad really. Imagine poor Bruce having to babysit Frank the entire time, to keep him from just mowing down the entire fucking rogues gallery right there.
Sure it'd free up a lot of Batman's time and all, but we all know how Batman feels about killing.
Good ol' Frank wouldn't last a full day as Batman's partner, but it sure ash shit be interesting to watch all that chaos though.

2). Wolverine:

This one should be super-obvious why it would never work out between these, Logan's non-qualms about killing aside. I believe first and foremost, since they're both alpha males and hugely popular for their respective universes, I just don't see them seeing eye-to-eye on anything. Logan's not in the mood to take orders from anyone anymore(outside of Captain America) especially since he runs his own school now.
Oddly enough, I'd see him bonding with Bruce's son Damien than anything else. Kindred spirits and all.

1). Deadpool:

Oh look, again, we hit the jackpot in the non-surprise department with this top pick. If you don't already know why our man Wade would be a terrible partner for someone like Batman, then you've obviously never have or haven't recently read any of the gazillion Deadpool comics out there. Batman would more than likely spend most of the trying to subdue Wade long enough to ship his ass to Arkham Asylum, where all we know he'd more than fit in. Could you imagine Deadpool and the Joker in a laugh-off, or in a contest to see who could make Batman crazy the fastest? That shit alone sells it, so you're welcome Marvel for the free idea;)

Oh and as a bonus, Wade should do what he did to Wolverine when he dressed up as Jean, and dress up as Robin just to fuck with Batman. Can't you see it all now?

DC Comics-Wise:

5). The Creeper:

Now technically these two have teamed up before in the much missed Pre-Flashpoint continuity  But as for being a regular crime-fighting duo? Yeah not gonna' happen. The classic version of the Creeper is pretty much DC's unsolicited answer to Deadpool in many ways, you know what with unique brand of humor, healing factor, and that sort of thing.

Batman, or "Bats" as the Creeper loves calling him, would just get frustrated and take off, leaving Creeper where ever the hell he found him.

4). Lobo:

Combine Deadpool and Wolverine, and add a dash of alien, and you kinda get this guy. Like the Punisher, Batman would be spending all his time trying(and probably in vein) to keep Lobo from fragging somebody, especially his rogues gallery, for kicks. What can I say, the main man just loves to drink and frag.

3). Wild Dog:

Remember this guy? Probably not since he never caught on during his debut in the late 80's. He was basically a poor, poor-man's version of the Punisher, except he actually had a day job as an auto mechanic. Gee, with that look and set-up I wonder why he never caught on. Oh yeah, because he was stupid and redundant.

He briefly showed up in a Geoff Johns arc in Booster Gold's solo title a few years back, but that was it.
Batman would just beat the shit out this guy, and call him a punk like 50 times in a row like Frank Miller had him do to Spawn in that abortion of a team-up in the early 90's.

Oh, and did I mention he kills people too? Yeah, never gonna' happen 'Dog.

2). Shade The Changing Man:

Whether it's the Steve Ditko version or Peter Milligan's, I just don't see either one really helping Batman out too much. What with the whole M or Madness vest and all, I see the potential to make any situation, especially an extremely volatile one, getting worse should Shade ever attempt help out. Whether it's because the vest makes the villain of the week loose their shit and get worse, or the vest messing with any victims or passerby's, I see poor Batman's job becoming infinitely harder than it should be. Poor Shade. he just wanted to help.

1). John Constantine, Hellblazer:

Finally we get to the king of all bastards, John Constantine! Not only will his secret motives and knack for being a bastard piss off Batman, but I also bet John attempts to tell Batman how to fight crime better, in his usual British manner. I see John eating a punch like Guy Gardner did before they even arrive at the crime scene, or immediately there after.

There's a reason John works better solo, and this would opportunity would really, really drive that point home.

Honorable mentions would be Jack Kirby's the Demon for his funny, but annoying constant rymning and his best-est buddy in the whole world, Superman.

Yes I said Superman. Think about it for a quick second.
Just being around or standing next to him, must make Batman seem ineffectual and unnecessary. Superman's supposed to be super-smart and his all of his god-like powers. Even if Batman's the world's greatest detective, it should only take Superman a second or half a second to reach the same/similar conclusion as Batman. Plus through in Superman's day job as an investigative reporter, and you really start to wonder why the need for them to ever team-up. Superman would just solve the crime and round up the bad guys before Batman even shows up.

Of course I could be wrong, but it does make you wonder.

Cool, well that's me for this week. I hope you all have an awesome weekend. I know I'll try, seeing as how Sunday's my 32nd birthday.

Fuck, I'm getting old:(


karl said...

32? Fuck yeah that is old:)

My choices would be for Bats' partner;
Zooey Deschanel , for inflicting on us the screechfest that is New Girl.
Anderson Cooper - Id like to see Master Wayne get out of explaining his young ward is a white-haired gay man. Over to YOU, Bats[!].
Edward Snowdon - who the authorities could mistake for Two-Face [oh, political satire there]
Jessica Jones from the Avengers, another sreechfest nagging wife who needs assassination now please asap asap asap asap. She practically castrated Luke Cage, whats the odds she does similar to Brucie?
Arnie Hammer [from the Lone Ranger movie that no-one will go to see] so he can learn what a REAL replacement partner should be like!

Dale Bagwell said...

@Karl: Gee, thanks. Rub it i why don't ya? lol

Interesting choices man, but you do explain why they would make sense. Jesus, what did Batman ever do to you to earn these sorry bastards as partners? ha ha

Oh and lol@ the Andersen Cooper suggestion. Is it me or would Cooper be like a really good modern day Alfred to Bruce? maybe it's me....

Thanks for stopping by as always Karl:)

Randomnerd said...

Re: Anderson Cooper, nah, I'm pretty sure he's never had to tie his own tie in his entire life. ;)
I'm sure Constantine would be a truly horrible partner, but I would pay a truly exhorbitant amount of money to see that one shot. Really. Like, child ransom money. It would be that funny. Bats punching out Guy Gardner over and over again funny.
And hey! Happy Birthday! 32 isn't THAT old. I passed it by a few years ago, and it looks positively youthful from where I'm sitting. Ah. Memories of crows feet of years gone by.
Personally, I think Bats worst partner would be himself from the 60's live tv show. Think about it. :)

Dale Bagwell said...

@Random: Thank you, and yeah maybe not Anderson Cooper.

Adam West Batman as comic Batman's partner?

I believe we'd see CBatman punch out Adam West because of the puns, the endless amounts of critiques, and of course for above all that.....The Batusi!!!!!

Although he might stick around and try and nab West's leftovers. That man was rolling in the Bat-Pussy back in the day.

"You nailed Julie Newmar, and probably Yvonne Craig too?

Dan W said...

32 holy hell - that's the number they ask you to count back from when going under anesthetic in surgery isn't it?

As for worst sidekick for Batman, I just have one word 'Jubilee'. Yellow capes yes, yellow trenchoat wearing over the top optimists who give away your position in the shadows popping chewing gum and letting off sparks no. One Batarang later, problem solved.

Oh yeah and Ma-Ti from Captain Planet. No way would Bats fight alongside a guy who ran up to Bane and yelled 'Heart!' in his direction.

Dale Bagwell said...

@Dan: Ha ha, Ma-Ti. Oh no kidding. I also thought he was the weakest of the bunch, empathy powers be damned. All the other kids had cooler powers like wind, water, fire, etc.

Robin pretty much covered the Jubilee situation minus the fireworks. I think it's almost like a prank on Robin to shove him out front to catch all the bullets, while Batman rolls up from behind like a boss.

And that my friends, is why Batman's so fucking smart.

Thx for the two bits Dan. Anytime mate;)

Dale Bagwell said...

Ha ha, and maybe, no it's 100, but sometimes 32 feels like it:)

Tiger OA1 said...

The next post has to be 32 reasons. You can't feel bad at the 3/2 the fun is just getting started.

The list is crazy. No crimes would get solved, I see hero fights all around. We could sell tickets.

It would be cool to see Bat's and the main man with a dash of Constantine try to just stay in the same room together. Happy Birthday man.

Randomnerd said...

Oh! How about Ambush Bug? Nothing more annoying than a sidekick that continuously breaks the fourth wall in the midst of a good ass kicking. Probably his.

Dale Bagwell said...

@Tiger: Thanks man, truly, truly appreciate it:)

32 reasons? Shit man, only if you help me write it:)
And yeah, I don;t see too many crimes being stopped, well at lest not the ones they set put to stop. Plenty of property damage, lawsuits, etc would be the order of the day I figure.

@Random: Yeah, that'll work. Although technically Deadpool currently has that breaking the fourth wall role nowadays. Don't remember AB passing the torch. maybe Deadpool stole it in the middle of the night;)

Dan W said...

Just remember if you come to New Zealand you can also celebrate your birthday almost a whole day earlier than anywhere else. We're like The Jetsons down here, livin in the future and all.

Randomnerd said...

Heh. Does that mean he gets to party hardy for two days Dan?

"Get Snakey"

Hey whattaya' know, it's a brand new skit this week. Enjoy this fun little homage to one of the more recently popular "danc...