Thursday, January 09, 2014

What The Fuck Were They Thinking?: The Slug

TGIT Bitches!!!!

So in trying to be current, or at the very least entertaining, and not rely on dragging out the out the same boring shit everytime I try to figure what to write about for the second half of the week, I figured I'd try something new, and introduce a new section or feature here @ The House.

This new feature/column is called "What The Fuck Were They Thinking?" 
I basically either go looking for or remember forgotten characters, or characters that should be forgotten, from different comic companies over the years, and ask what they fuck were they thinking when they came up with said characters. It should be fun if nothing else.

The first inductee into this hall of shame is The Slug.

Yes, this fat fucker right here. Ulysses X. Lugman. Fuck it's sad I knew that right off the top of my head w/o having to look that up.

Anyhoo Fat-ass here is or was(not sure if he's still alive or not) a d-list mob boss and drug pusher.
He's run into guys like the Spider-Man, Captain America, and Nomad, and yet has somehow always survived not dying like the incredibly fat fuck that he is. Seriously, look at this picture

Even the Blob and Fat Bastard from the Austin Powers' movies would call him fat.
Hell, even Eric Cartman would call him a fat ass, and not big-boned.

At least the Blob's obesity was useful enough to keep from being moved unless he wanted to be moved, as well bounce bullets or other projectiles(flaming dicks?) back where they came from. And of course the embrassing move where you'd find your fist or foot getting caught in a fat pocket.

Sluggie kinda' does something like that, but nowhere near as cool. Nope. Lard-O's powers, as are as follows according to his Marvel wikia profile entry:

"The Slug's body is so terribly obese that it was difficult to penetrate enough fat to strike his vital organs. Also, Slug had mastered the rather  grotesque talent of suffocating opponents in the folds of his flesh."

Yep, you read that right. For the sheer sick, hell of it, he smothers his victims in his either one of his numerous fat folds. Damn. Now that's a fate I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Child molesters yes, but regular criminals, no.

Last anyone saw of this guy, he was working for the Hood back during Dark Reign in '09. Apparently he was a Skrull imposter, proving that the Skrulls really are sadists for impersonating him. I guess he made it alive since his entry notes that Iron Man found him and several other victims used by the Skrulls. They really shouldn't have went through all that trouble, and just did the Marvel U a big one, and killed his chunky ass.

Seriously, how is this fat fuck still alive? How has Deadpool or even the Scourge not killed him already?

That's me for this week, here's your moment of non-zen:


The King of Thessaly said...

It's like looking into a mirror... a sexy, sexy mirror!

Hahaha- I have that Web of Spider-Man Annual. I honestly don't remember this character at all, though. At least not offhand. Maybe if I dig that back-issue out and reread it- it will all come back to me....

"What The Fuck Were They Thinking?" -it's like an AVGN episode mixed with Wizard's old Mort Of The Month feature. I dig it. Or maybe I'm just bias because of all the pictures of me you put up.

Dale Bagwell said...

@King: LOL! No seriously, I really did at your comments man. I highly doubt you're that overweight. Having a lil' extra around the middle and sides is acceptable because it is wintertime. This asshole takes it to a whole.....nothing.......level!

I did love me some Mort of the Month back in the day, so yeah I guess this is an unintentional homage to that feature.

karl said...

UGH Im a gonna be sick! What the hell IS that?! I thought Id seen some fat gets in my time but nothing like...THIS. Seriously, how unpleasant. I know most Americans struggle with their weight problems but this is ridiculous. I just thank God I live in England where we are all skinny and svelte like male fashion models.

[reaches for another pie]

Dale Bagwell said...

@Karl: Right!? I seriously question what the hell the guy who created was on or smoking at the time. Didn't they have enough fat characters at the time between the Blob, The Kingpin, and that fat chick from the Great Lake Avengers, Big Bertha? Ugh indeed.

The King of Thessaly said...

@Dale: I don't know what you're talking about! -I can't wait to cosplay as The Slug for the next Con!!! -It will be the easiest thing I've ever done- and I'll probably get TONS of bitches... or bitches that weigh tons...... still.

Yes, wintertime... that... is my excuse. *eats 30 Asgardian Twinkies*

Mort of The Month was so funny- I remember one time it was Reed Richards- and he broke the Mort-O-Meter because he was infinite Mort's!!! Hahaha!!!

Can't wait to see who is next!

Dan W said...

Lol I can't believe a guy getting attacked by fat rolls made it into a comic. Kind of makes me think of that guy that gets a tan in the first Blade movie.

Nice post mr!

Dale Bagwell said...

@King: You're right! And I have that very Wizard issue too. Damn Reed's a dick! So you'll be the Slug for the next con huh? You gotta' kill at least one dude or chick using the Slug's preferred method if you want some serious street cred. Fatties gonna fat you know?;)

As for this feature, I'm going to enjoy the shit out of this, especially with a few of the upcoming honorees;)

@Dan: I know man, I know. That's the crazy world of comics for you.

karl said...

Hey Dale and King, don't go dissing the Reed Richards - I'll have you know he comes in for a lot of lovin' over on our FF forum [him and the weird Aspergers girl who fancies the Thing *bbrrrr* chills, last night she wondered if Uatu the Watcher had ever given the Thing golden showers, I mean WHAT - THE - FUUUUUCCKKKKK?!?!?], we think hes great is Mr Taffy [so called because the Ff's new pink and purple costumes resemble taffy. Mort of the Month? We are So horrified!

The King of Thessaly said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
The King of Thessaly said...

RICHARDS!!! -I see why Doom always blames him for everything! That never-ending Mort.

Hahaha! -Fatties GOTTA fat!
And I need to smother a motherfucker!

Shlomo Ben Hungstien said...

is this guy some kind of mutant? seriously marvel WTF?

Dale Bagwell said...

@Karl: Mr. Taffy huh? I guess so. I myself don't think too much of the new costumes myself. The red just does not work. Should've just kept the blue and white or white and black instead.

OMG, for real? That chick wanted to know if Uatu gave Ben some golden showers? The fuck man!? I'm gonna have to go visit that forum pretty soon, 'cause there's all sorts of cray going on over there.

King: Keep smotherin' son!

@Shlomo: Not that I know of, but damn, right?

Shlomo Ben Hungstien said...

if that character's first appearance was some time after 1983 then i bet he was inspired by Jabba The Hutt. by the way Dale that sperm joke in the previous posting was funny as Hell.

Tiger OA1 said...

What the fuck were they thinking.

They were thinking their corny sense of humor was funny. A lame Jabba knock off, really? Nerds.

Dale Bagwell said...

@Shlomo: Thanks:)

@Tiger: Fucking, crazy-ass white honkies, am I right?;)

Tiger OA1 said...

man, something is wrong with you.

Arrow returns next week. I wonder if they get some things moving towards Taskforce X?

Dale Bagwell said...

@Tiger: Always man, always;)
I hope Arrow's good too. I watched a re-run last week of the rescue in Russia episode, so I'm wondering when H.I.V.E.'s gonna' be mentioned again.

Long live the Squad!

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