Thursday, March 06, 2014

What The Fuck Were They Thinking?......The Kangaroo.


Welcome folks to another edition of What The Fuck Were They Thinking?.....where I highlight a random villainous or heroic loser.

Today's honoree, is someone so fucking ridiculous, it makes you wonder how this guy made it past the brainstorming session that birthed such an abortion.

I present to you folks,

The Kangaroo......

Yes, The Kangaroo.
The second worse export from Australia besides Outback Jack in  the WWF circa '87-88.

debuting in Amazing Spider-Man#81(Feb 1970)  big-time Kangaroo enthusiast/Kangaroo-fluffer Frank Oliver liked to hang out with Kangaroos all day. And he liked them so much, and hung out with them so long, that he developed  similar leaping and kicking abilities as Kangaroos. Because that's what happens you hang out with someone or something long automatically can do the same they can.

So by extention, if you suck at math and hate doing your taxes, just hang around an Accountant all day, and you'll be doing your own tax returns in no time.

Or chill with Michael Jordan to help you with those pesky free-throws.
Or hang around Larry Flynt and develop paralysis from the waist down and as well as becoming the owner and CEO of a large pornography empire.

 Yep, sounds legit;)

So Frankie boy decides to use his new-found abilities for fame and glory by being a kick-boxer. He'd be the man in UFC if he were to be repackaged. I just know it.

Well he fucks someone up so bad, that criminal charges get filled, and off Oliver goes, to America to escape said charges. Yep, 'cause there's no way in hell the US has an extradition treaty with Australia some how.

*Rolls eyes real hard!*

It's here in the states that Oliver runs into Spidey in an attempt to make a rep for himself. He succeeds all right, but as Spider-Man's bitch and Steve Irwin's #1 guilty pleasure.

After suffering the first of many embarrassing beatings as the hands of Spider-Man, Oliver runs into a Dr. Jonas Harrow. This guys gets the bright idea to enhance Oliver's already considerable kangaroo abilities(I try to type with a straight face) and actually does it by implanting air jet-powered powers, as well as upping his overall strength.

Convinced he can actually take Spider-Man now, he does just that while stealing a powerful radioactive isotope. Unfortunately for him(but very fortunate for us) he gets killed just as he goes to grab the isotope since it's so damn powerful. He gets turned into radioactive dust for his troubles, and the Marvel Universe found itself shy one demented Kangaroo cos-player.

A certain personal groupie and #1 fan of Oliver's named Brian Hibbs decided to become the new Kangaroo.


Much like Bebe's Kids, the identity of the Kangaroo doesn't die; it multiplies. 
Hibbs couldn't re-produce the same powers and abilities that Oliver had(although if he had hung out with him enough he might have probably.) so he bought a super-suit made him look like Mecha Kangaroo Jack or something like that.

Much like his predecessor, Hibbs got his dumbass handed to him by Spidey too, keeping that proud tradition alive and well.

Hibbs would later form and join the Spider-Man revenge squad, comprised of such perennial losers such as the Grizzly, Spot, and the Gibbon. They too would get their collective asses handed to them on a regular basis, as well as serve as a much needed laugh for Spidey that day.

Kangaroo would then later quit the villain business, trying his hand as a baseball player, to which he was actually successful for awhile. That is until his true identity was exposed. After another stint in prison, Kangaroo found himself drafted to help Spider-Man thwart Doc Ock's plans during the Ends of the Earth story-line. 

He survived, and looked to be on his way to starting a superhero career until he met up with Lady Deathstrike. She did the MU a big solid, and killed his dumbass, instantly receiving cheers from Marvel fans all over.....or something like that I'm sure.

It really is a hard-knock life for anyone dumb enough to call themselves "The Kangaroo" huh?

                                          But look like a giant horses' ass!

God forbid!!!!!!!
Is that really how you add some 'Roo to your doo?

That's me for this week, I'm outta' here!!!!!!!!


karl said...

God that really does look like Steve Irwin, doesn't it? And just like that animal-bothering pest, Kangaroo met a similar pathetic fate.
I think ol' Spidey mustve cornered the market on lame-ass villains as he had more than his [un]fair share in those one-off issues when his regular arch-villains weren't around.

Dale Bagwell said...

@Karl: Right? And most of them were similarly animal-themed with the except of some like the Looter/Ringer, Spot, and Will O' Wisp.

Poor Spidey. His weak-ass foes make even Batman's lamest villains look good.

Dan W said...

Yeah we just might leave the leapin' to Batroc and Toad...

How did any editor approve the costume design with ears?

I have to say every garage in every small town between Perth and Karratha is chocka with cars that have hit Kangaroos and been made immobile due to damage to the radiator, so that shows you how strong they are.

They mainly only come across roads at night, but the first time I saw wild ones the adult bent over like in a rugby scrum and prepared to charge the car while the wife and kids bolted.

Definitely attributes of a cool character - just not looks. Unless he'll eject Joey's out his pouch like Soundwave - then again not even then.

Dale Bagwell said...

@Dan: Yeah I believe you on that. A Roo's kick is fucking powerful and deadly, they've been known to kill people. I think I'll stick to making fun of em behind their backs or on the internet. Fuck trying to get in a fight with one.

I saw what a mama kangaroo did Sylvester the Cat. Fuck that.

Omega Agent1 said...

Can we see Lady Deathstrike's titties again?

This guy is .... it's not even worth the insult. You broke him down pretty well. I still can't see how this character made it to a comics page.

Dale Bagwell said...

@Omega: Ask and ye shall receive. Check out Monday's post for mo titties!

The King of Thessaly said...

"I feel like a bloody giant!"
Oh, man...
I gotta say though- as usual, I actually like your Mort of the month.
-Kangaroo II was fantastic. Him and his robot-pants. Those issues with him, Grizzly, and the Gibbon are solid gold!
Another great post, man!

"Get Snakey"

Hey whattaya' know, it's a brand new skit this week. Enjoy this fun little homage to one of the more recently popular "danc...