Well I've got some bad news.
OK so you know it used to work for the Fonze to just bump/tap/hit an electronic device if it was acting up, and it'd just work like normal afterwards?
Yeah well there's a good reason why that only works in imagination land; 'cause in the real world you run the risk of making things worse.
That's what happened to me last week when my slow, 7+ year old laptop was being a stubbornly slow bitch to me. I open-hand slapped it a couple times in the wrong spot, and essentially broke my hard drive.
I swear I didn't think I hit it that hard, but isn't that just what domestic abusers say all the time?
Anyhow, it'll be a good 2-3 weeks before I get a new hard drive replacement. Oh and to make things worse, the hard drive was so badly damaged that they couldn't read the data on it. Meaning I lost all my saved pictures, files and music. Everything's gone for good. Fuck me running....
So I'll have to ask you guys to be patient and bear with me as I seek to continue to post from my trusty, but also slow, cellphone.
Oh technology, such a cruel and equally giving bitch of a monster are you....
So with that in mind, I'll be posting mainly column pieces from here on out until I can start making skits again.
For today's post I'll be pitting everyone's favorite assassin mutant sociopath Sabertooth against the man forever edtched in history as the man who broke the Bat, Bane.
Hey, I saw why not.
They're both two of the most merciless, remorseless and very resourceful killers you'd ever hope to avoid ever, so why not pit them against each other and see who manages to limp away?
Sabertooth is second to his eternal rival Wolverine I'm terms of mutant healing ability and deadly, razor sharp claws.
He's been militarily trained in the art of fighting, has keenly-sharpened senses that can smell and track anyone or anything, and is basically just one bad dude you NEVER want pissed off at you. EVER.
Likewise Bane is also a heavily trained combatant, who's also a very intelligent and capable strategist.
After all he's the who orchestrated the massive jailbreak in Gotham City that caused Batman to be wore down enough to be susceptible to being as severely beaten and broken as he was by Bane in Knight Knightfall.
As deadly as he is just by himself, what makes him even more dangerous is the super steroid serum he injects called Venom. It's Venom that's increased his already considerable strength to super max levels as well as increased his durability and given him a much-increased healing ability.
It's this extra edge that has pushed him to upper echelon of Batman's rogues gallery.
In my scenario, Sabertooth's been hired by a rival nation to finally end Bane's reign of terror in ruling over the island nation of Santa Prisca, Bane's home, and Sabertooth seems to be the type of solution best used to achieve this goal.
But Bane's no dummy. Using his genius-level intellect ( yes folks, he really is a smart motherfucker) he learns all he can about his intended killer, and makes a plan to deal with him and those that sent him.
Who wins and why?