Thursday, August 17, 2017

So, Who Would Win?: TMNT VS. The Food Fighters


For this week's edition of So, Who Would Win?, I'm pitting two popular and iconic 80's properties against each other in a fight to the death, as I force the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles to take on the Food Fighters.

Ok, I know its a stretch to call the Food Fighters iconic, but am I? They did have an intense and very popular following for the short duration they were on top of the heap as a kids favorite toy back in the day.

I talked about the Food Fighters in a column back 2011, where I talked about some of my favorite forgotten 80's toy franchises.

Here's the link if you're interested:

Anyhoo, the Food Fighters came out in 1989 from Mattel and the rest is short-lived history.
Now they the Food Fighters were divided up into two rival camps:

The heroic Kitchen Kommandos and the evil Refrigerator Rejects

For the purposes of today's battle, I'm only using the good guys, the Kitchen Kommandos in this one.

Here's their roster:

The Kitchen Commandos wore black boots, green clothing, and carried red weapons.

Yeah, I'm not exactly sure what their powers would be, if any. More than likely they don't have any other than being military-trained, battle-hardened soldiers.

As for the TNMT, we all know their members names and their weapon specialties by now, but i guess it bears repeating:

  • Donatello (Donnie or Don) – The scientist, inventor, engineer, and technological genius, Donatello wears a purple mask and wields a bo staff. Donatello is perhaps the least violent turtle, preferring to use his knowledge to solve conflicts, but never hesitates to defend his brothers. He is named after the early Renaissance Italian artist and sculptor from Florence, Donatello.
  • Leonardo (Leo) – The tactical, courageous leader and devoted student of his sensei, Leonardo wears a blue mask and wields two katana. As the most conscientious of the four, he often bears the burden of responsibility for his brothers, which commonly leads to conflict with Raphael. Leonardo was named after the Italian polymath, painter, engineer, inventor, writer, anatomist, and sculptor, Leonardo da Vinci.
  • Michelangelo (Mikey) – The most stereotypical teenager of the team, Michelangelo is a free-spirited, relaxed, and often goofy jokester, and known for his love of pizza. Michelangelo wears an orange mask and wields a pair of nunchucks. He provides the comic relief, though he still has an adventurous side. The least mature of the four Turtles, he shows characteristics of a "surfer" type and is often depicted with a Southern Californian accent. He is named after the Italian Renaissance painter, sculptor, architect, poet, and engineer, Michelangelo. His name was originally misspelled "Michaelangelo" by Peter Laird and Kevin Eastman.[9]
  • Raphael (Raph) – The team's bad boy, Raphael wears a red mask and wields a pair of sai. He is physically very strong, has an aggressive nature, and seldom hesitates to throw the first punch. He is often depicted with a very pronounced New York accent. His personality can be fierce and sarcastic, and oftentimes delivers deadpan humor. He is intensely loyal to his brothers and sensei. He is named after the Italian painter and architect of the High Renaissance, Raphael.[9]

Now I know some of you who even bothered to read this post (and thank you if you did) and think, "C'mon, this fight would never happen! The Food Fighters are too fucking weird!"

Well, you'd be wrong. Dead wrong.

As anyone who's ever read any of the TNMT comics and watched any of their cartoons, know the idea of the turtles fighting anthropomorphic militaristic food isn't really all that far-fetched considering they've fought tons of anthropomorphic foes, animal or otherwise.

Plus when you're having to fight this guy every other week, facing off against some angry food soldiers is probably just another Friday to the turtles.


The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles


The Food Fighters

Who wins and why?
As always, let me know who you think would win in the comments' section below.

Have a good rest of the week and weekend folks.....

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