Wednesday, March 20, 2013

"We interrupt this regularly scheduled programming to present the following"

What's up people?

I'm officially back in town @ The House, after the wild crazy St.Pat's Weekend that lasted up to today.

Not to brag or anything, but I take my drinking very seriously. Ask my friends. I don't fuck around it comes to picking them up and pounding them down.

Out of the 5 days I've been gone, I drank 4 days in a row, with the first two being marathons starting from the time I got up in the morning, until the time I laid my head down on a pillow.

Again, I'm no bad-ass, but I can still handle my booze.

So, here's 5 things I learned while on my vacation:


My friends and I went to Wet Willies in downtown Charlotte, NC(a favorite bar and restaurant of mine)  after a long day of drinking. We decided this was going be the night cap of sorts for the evening. Now for those who don't know, all of the mixed drinks contain 120 proof Everclear grain alcohol.

So yeah, doesn't take to much to get fucked up off them, as they have a habit depending on the flavor, of sneaking up on you hard. Well you know how you get brain-freeze from drinking a slushy too quick? Well the same principal applies to what basically are slushies with alcohol in them. I drank one of the large ones, an Irish, St.Pat's concoction, and power-drank a good portion of it. Well I got the brain-freeze of the stomach, and man did that shit hurt! My gut was completely fucked up by that brain-freeze, leaving my feeling almost sick enough to puke. I didn't, but man did I learn a valuable lesson that night.

4). I really, really suck at Bowling.

No seriously, I really do. My friends and I went to Dave & Buster's, and man that place is fucking awesome! It's like Chuck E Cheese's but for adults....and for kids too. But yeah, small bars in the arcade play area? Love it.

Anyways, we all go to play bowling first. I'm up last, and I'm just tossing that poor fucker all over the place. By the third go, I bounced that damn ball clear off the wall, off the lane, and into the next adjacent gutter.
It was messed up. I really thought I'd put a hole in the wall and broke some of the wall lights since the ball hit that hard. I was doing that the WHOLE TIME!!!! The last game I played was me tossing/rolling the ball through my legs like the little kids do. So sad;)

So yeah, if you want to go bowling, I'll go but I'll suck. You've been warned.

3). Transsexuals got game....and a little more

Allow me to explain.
While watching HBO on Demand, my friends and I decided to watch some of the sex shows/specials that occasionally air on HBO. Now let me preference by saying, HBO and I go back a long way. During the crucial puberty years of my youth, I had two main sources of sexual education; Sex-Ed in school, and HBO.
HBO taught me all about the wild and often crazy numerous sub-genres of sex, and the different types of perverted motherfuckers out there.

And trust me....there are plenty of weird sexual appetites out there.

Well this one show was similar to a popular series in the late 90's-early 00's, called Pimps Up, Ho's Down. In fact, it was a special all it's own devoted to transsexual/transgender prostitutes living and working in Las Vegas.

Long story short, after seeing just how hard these guys have worked to look like women, including sex-change operations to make a vagina down there, and get rid of their tackle-boxes, I was simply slack-jawed.
I shit you not, some of the working "girls" really did look like real women. Even in the face and adams's apple area.

And what made it all the more shocking, was the clients. Specifically the client that sought after the s/him's that were still packing their T's, their truths(penises) as the Lady Chablet would say in the book and movie, "Midnight in the garden of good and evil."

Who knew right? There are actually guys, gay or straight, that hunt down the "ladies" and well, let's just say there's plenty of giving and receiving with the same general equipment if you get my drift.
I was left in a state of shock thinking how I might have to give every potential chick I meet up with the Crocodile Dundee test.

You know, you strike a conversation with a Sheila who kinda, sorta looks like a dude in drag or leaves in doubt that this is a woman, and you give 'em a quick squeeze down there faster than you can say "Bob's your uncle", and ta-daaa. You find out pretty damn quickly who's who, and what's what.

2). "Must be Jelly, 'Cause Jam Don't Shake!"

Continuing on the topic of transvestites transsexuals/etc, RuPaul has her own show on the Logo Network, called RuPaul's Drag Race.

I only watched one episode, but just, damn.

I guess the premise of the show is not that far off from Tyra Banks' The Next Top Model, or something like that, but with drag queens. The "ladies" are pretty outrageous and over the top as you'd expect. Complete with all the bitchiness and drama that make them so damn fierce. Oh and did I mention that most if not all of them, have family members who either died from cancer or some other fucked up disease. This is usually revealed right after you see them being super bitchy or mean to one of the other contestants. Convenient huh?

and good god, that video!!!!

1). Let's hear it for true friends!!!!

Not these kinds of friends. Seriously though, what the hell happened it Courtney Cox's face? It went downhill faster than Joey or Matt LeBlanc's solo career.

This last one isn't so much what I've learned, as it is what I was reminded. True friends drink like a fish with you even if they're not feeling like it sometimes.

True friends go out of their way to make that day or time you spend with them special; even if they're having a shitty day themselves.

True friends find a way to call you out on your bullshit when they know you're wrong, but can do it in such a way that you agree with them, get over it, and then go drink;)

True friends, are just that; true friends. It doesn't matter if you have one or two, or as many as you need. Hold on to the ones you have for dear life.

                                                                So this basically

But lest you think I'm too much of a softie, true friends can also be this:

Hey, it can happen;)


Tiger OA1 said...

Just checking in man, glad you had a nice time. You got to watch them transexuals. Don't want to end up like that guy in the hangover.

Shlomo Ben Hungstien said...

dude when i was in Brazil i saw some trannies that were pretty damn convincing. a friend of mine there told me while he was in the military that they used to bring tranny hookers to the bases and have them blow the new guys and tell em after words the hookers were dudes. funny shit :)

Randomnerd said...

That last statement is very very true. My best friends and I all touch each other's boobs every time we drink.
I'm really not just saying that. We do it mostly just to annoy our husbands now, because they put up such a stink the first time, but really, my friends have awesome boobs.
And hey, it gets hilarious with four chicks drinking. And cleavage. And cell phones.
Yeah. I just shared too much.
Transexuals, you say? Whoa. Look at that.

Dale Bagwell said...

@Omega: Right? Seriously I can't believe watching that show scarred me there for a minute. It was like I was worried I might have to have Tranny-vision on to scope 'em out, ha ha.
How was your St. Pat's man? Really good I hope.

@Shlomo: Brazil huh? That explains that one, along with Taiwan or Thailand. That shit is funny though, unless it happens to you. Who says hazing in the military's dead right?;)

Random: That's hot. No really that is. And the husbands actually complain about that? Idk know man, not me though;)
And no you didn't share too much. Not after all the shit we've talked to each other other the last couple weeks ha ha;)

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