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Thursday, May 31, 2012

Short-Shots

Hey Peeps!


Well here we are, my 175th post, and the last one of the month. And what a month it's been hasn't it?
I was going to do some special skit to commemorate this happy occasion, and said to myself "Fuck it, I'll save the good stuff for my 200th post." Ha, ha. No, You know I only give you guys the best(well most of the time).

So without further ado-do, here's some short-shots:

Sinestros: "Red rover, red rover, let that Asshole, glory-hound Hal Jordan come over!"

Hals: "What the hell did you guys just call us? An asshole? We're not taking that from some pink, big-headed dick with a Hitler mustache. It's on like donkey-kong motha-trucka!"


Both: "Grrrrrr!"

Omega will love this next one.....

Bronze Tiger: "Everybody want to go Kung-Fu fighting..."

Iron Fist: "Hyah haw!"

Bronze Tiger: "Those guys were fast as lighting!"

Iron Fist: "Hyah haw!"

Both: "Oh oh oh hooooooooo!"

Iron Fist: "What? It was the 70's."

And finally, because you knew it was coming.....

Roy: "Hey Ollie, wanna' do me a solid and help me tie up? C'mon broski, I don't wanna' break my pussy finger."

Ollie: "Goddammit Roy! Again!?"


Ha ha! That's me, and I'm outta' here!

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

"Hey Bungalow Bill, what did ya' kill?"

Wow. I can't believe I'm one more post from reaching 175 posts in all. Now of course to high-rollers like Dan, or guys doing this much longer than me, like Goo, 175's nothing. But to me, with the creative ADD of a meth addict, it's hard to stay interested in one thing for a decent amount of time. So yes, I'm officially patting myself on the back.

Alright enough of the self-high five/handjob, it's time for today's skit featuring one of Spider-Man's oldest and deadliest foes, Kraven the Hunter. Enjoy.

Bill: "Aww, there you are you beautiful horned, hunk of meat you!
I just can't wait to sink my teeth inta' your meat once I've gutted your sweet, sweet ass. I's gonna' git you in my sights and blow my load into yo' soft flesh."

Cows: "Moooooo!"

Bill: "Yes, that's right. Don't mind me girls. I'm just hear to SFES ya'all. There, that's a good dumb, sexy herd. Jus' eat that grass, before I blast ya' ass!"

Cows: "Moooo? Mooooooomooo!"

There's a rustling in the woods, startling Bill. 

Bill: "What the hell?"

Kraven: "Aww, greetings brightly-colored stranger. I am Kraven the hunter, and I have come to hunt."

Bill: "Well that's nice an' all, but I'm a hunter too, and right now I was in the middle of hunting, so if'n you don't mind...."

Kraven: "Nonsense. Since we are both hunters, I shall join you in your hunt. It shall be glorious!"

Bill: "What ever ya' say big fella'. Just be prepared, 'cause we're hunting the most dangerous game evah!"

Kraven: "Bah! I am Kraven the hunter, and I fear no man or beast!" 

Bill: "And good fashion sense as well it seems. Alright young fella' c'mon. The killing starts here."

Kraven: "Let the game tremble with fear and the fields run with the blood of our hunt."

Bill: "Yeah, what he said. Crazy bastard."

Bill: "Alright, but first things first; If'n ya' mean to hunt with me, ya' gotta' have the right look. Now ya' seem to have the camouflage pants an' attire down pat, but you're missing one special ingredient to be a true hunter."

Kraven: "Nonsense! I am Kraven the hunter. I need nothing but 

Bill: "Now hold on youngin'. I'm jus' sayin; all's that's missin' is a good hat. Ya' ain't shit unless ya' got a good huntin' hat."

Bill: "There, no don't ya' feel like a true and proper hunter now?"

Kraven: "I look as ridiculous as I feel right now. And Kraven shall not be made to look and feel foolish."

Bill: "Come now, it fits ya'. Hell son, ya' look like the spittin' image of Black Bart and Will Travel from my favorit' show, Have Gun Will Travel."

See?

                                    Kraven: "Da. So I am. Now to hunting we will go."


Bill: "Now hold on. Where's ya gun? Ya' can't go huntin' without yer' gun."

Kraven: "Foolish man. I am not needing gun. I am Kraven the hunter. I need only my bare hands and the fear in my prey's eyes."

Bill: "Damn son, that's hardcore right there! You're a crazy bastard, but I like crazy. Boy's nuttier than my poops after a 5-day binge diet of Payday and Cashews, but he's alright."


Bill: "All right youngin', here's our prey now. Ain't they beauts?"

Kraven: "But they are simply cows! I though we were to be hunting true dangerous game, not simple, stupid beasts such as these."

Bil: "Hey now, these pretty gals will fix up jus' right. You can have the one on the left, but the one on the right's all mine. I've had my eye on ol' Bessy for'n a good while now."

Kraven: "This is ridiculous and unworthy of my time and skill as a true hunter."

Bill: "Now don't be that way youngin'. The fun hasn't even started yet. We haven't SFES'd 'em yet."

Kraven: "And what pray tell is this SFESing you mention entail?"

Bill: "Well shoot, ya' mus' not be from around here, 'cause out here in these parts SFES means Shoot 'em, Fuck 'em, Eat 'em, and Shit 'em."

Kraven: "What!?"

Bill: "Hey if'n you prefer the four F's, Find 'em, Feel 'em, Fuck 'em, and Forget 'em, we can do that too if ya' like."

Kraven: "Enough of this sick foolishness! I am to be leaving now, back to hunting the Spider. Good day you sick little man."

Bill: Whas it someting' I said? I guess the feller' couldn't handle the reality of life out here. Now where was I? Oh yeah, c'mere you Bessy, daddy's in need of some comfort food. He he!"

Cows: "Mooooooooooooo!"



Disclaimer: No animal or animals were harmed in the making of this skit......That I know of. Now being made love to is something totally different.


Tuesday, May 29, 2012

"Ain't I a Creepa?"

What up people?
I take it from the empty comments section that you guys didn't care so much for yesterday's post. Well, they can't all be winners you know. Maybe you'll like today's post instead, in another edition of Tales from the Top Shelf: "Ain't I a Creepa?"

Creeper: "I'mmmmmmm just a prom night dumpster baby! A one night drunken mistaaaaaaake!"

Blue Beetle: "Yeah uh, that's disgusting."

Creeper: "Hey, I take requests. Got any? How 'bout this little diddy? These are people who have died, died.
These are people who have died, died. Hey Beetle, you've died too right?"

Blue Beetle: "Yeah, don't remind me. Really, don't."

Creeper: "Hey dying's no biggie. I've done it lots of times. And since you've died too, I guess that makes us members of the Dead Poets Society don't it?"

Blue Beetle: "Yeah, I don't think so Creeper. Not to mention what a depressing, yet oddly uplifting movie it was."

Creeper: "I liked Awakings better myself. It's no One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, but it was Robert Deniro's finest work, you know? Since all he did throughout the whole movie was sit there drooling like he had a mean case of the syphilis. Ha ha, now that's acting!"

Blue Beetle: "You're despicable! I can't believe the only skit I'll probably be in this entire year, and it's this one. God really does hate me."

Creeper: "Ain't I just a Creepa?"

The End.



Monday, May 28, 2012

Tales from the top shelf: Nekron's Blues

Hey people.
Today I figured I'd try something different, as I begin a series of short skits under the "Tales from the top shelf" banner. Enjoy.

Nekron: "Wait, what's is this infernal place I've been taken to?"
                           Ultra-Humanite: "Ah, greetings Nekron old chap. You're right where you belong,                  here in the land of uncompleted C&C's."


                           Nekron: "What!?"


Nekron: "No, that can't be, Nooo! I was the star of Blackest Night! Surely that must count for something?"

Ultra-Humanite: "Sorry chum. But your new home is here. You'll get used to it once you've accepted the fact that you're not completed, and might not ever be."


Nekron: "Nooooooo!"

Ultra-Humanite: "Oh come now. It isn't all that bad here. Triton performs delightful magic tricks and karoke on Fridays.

Trigon: "Pick a card, any card? Is this yours?"

Ultra-Humanite: "Whilst I re-enact scenes from Shakespeare on PBS Sundays. You'll learn to love this place as we all have."

Nekron: "I can't believe I've been relegated to this...this..."

OMAC: "Hell-hole? And might I say, just from looking at you all this time....Damn!"

Nekron: "Yes hell-hole. Thank you. Wait, what did you just say?"

Nekron: "Oh me! If I wasn't already dead, I'd kill myself! I wonder if anyone here happens to have Dr. Kevorkian's phone number?"

Trigon: "What's his problem? At least he has one of his natural legs."

Ultra-Humanite: "Perhaps our poor,dear fellow here is on a hunger strike. 'Twould explain the starving artist look he's chosen to adapt."

And just to show you how many spare/uncompleted C&C/BAF parts I have from collecting figures over the years.......




Quite a mess huh? And no, I'm not sure if they'll ever be completed. But I won't say no to donations:)


Oh, and Alan Scott, the Golden Age Green Lantern, might be gay. I guess that explains his son Obsidian. Well maybe not, but still.......





Thursday, May 24, 2012

"Evenflow"

This is dedicated to one little lady(and you know who you are)

Captain Cold: "Ha ha ha ha! Now that you hapless fools are on ice,  and lightened of your load of money, I'll be on my way before some pompious do-gooder happens by."

Random Victim: "Ugh! Help us, somebody. I can't feel my legs and there's a kid trapped in ice under here."

Captain Cold: "Chill out asshole. I'm sure you'll be thawed out soon.  Ha ha ha!"


Zatanna: "Ugh! I just wanna' get through this day. Great now what? I'm picking up a robbery in progress on the police scanner through the airwaves. And just when I needed to go pick of some Midol too."

Captain Cold: "Ah, Zatanna. About time one of you damn do-gooders showed up. So what's it gonna' be? Do I get my money or do these poor idiots live the rest of their disgusting lives as human popcicles?"

Zatanna: "Oh man! I really don't have time for this. Look, Aunt Flow just came to town, so can we just skip to the part where you surrender or I knock you out so I can go home?"

Captain Cold: "Wait, what!? You're on the rag? Riding the crimson wave? Swiming the blood canal?

Zatanna: "Yesss!"

Captain Cold: "So lemme' get this straight; One of the most powerful beings in the whole entire planet who can erase me out of existence with a backward word is on her period?"

Zatanna: "For the last time, yes! Wanna' make something of it?" 

Captain Cold: "Okay, I surrender. I didn't really need the dough anyway. Just going to waste it on some hookers later anyways."

Zatanna: "Yeah, I really don't need to hear about your dysfunctional love-life."

Captain Cold: "You want to me to get you some cranberry juice? I can make it into an icee?"

Zatanna: "Grrrrrr!"


Random Victim: "Hey! What the fuck guys!? Human popsicles over here. Hey, howzabout getting us outta' here? C'mon, my nuts are fucking frozen over here. My balls feel like a bag of frozen peas for fuck's sake! 'Sign' I knew I shouldn't have gone to work today."

The End



Extras/Bonus:

Captain Cold: "It's your turn to pull me on the sleigh mommy. Now do it!"

Zatanna: "'Sigh' I should've just got that abortion like the doctor recommended."




Wednesday, May 23, 2012

"You're so Gay you don't even know it"

Extra, Extra! Fresh off the press. My response to the DC super-hero hetero/homo switch controversy. Now that was a mouthful. Get it? Wink, wink, say no more.

A quick disclaimer is on order though. While I am heavily ridiculing DC for this ridiculous way of drumming up support for slumping sales and bad press due to their mistreatment of Alan Moore, I am not ridiculing or making fun of Gays/Homosexuals. They as a people/minority group and American citizens, deserve the same respect and support that anyone else in the US and aboard deserves. They're people too, and shouldn't be hated on due to something as small as sexual preference. Besides I have a very good gay friend who'd be pissed if I did.(Hey Jake!)
Well two, if you count Shlomo Ben, but I digress.

Alright on with the show.


Robin: "Holy Dilema ! DC's going to make some prominent super-hero who was straight,and make them Gay. Man, I hope it's not me!"

Robin: "Not that there's anything wrong with being gay, but I just can't stand being turned into a cliche' just for the sake of controversy. I mean, it's bad enough to have to put up with the "Batman and Robin are gay"jokes all year-round, but to actually have it possibly made true is more than I can take!"

Obsidian: "Hey there Mary! How's my favorite crime-fighting fairy doing?" Grabs Robin's ass.

Robin: "Would you quit it? It's bad enough I got to deal with the gay jokes, but I don't need to be sexually-harassed too!"

Obsidian: "Touchy, touchy. What's got your panties in a twist? Trouble at home with the old ball and chain? Ha ha!"

Robin: "Haven't you read? DC's making one of us gay. They won't say who, but I have a bad feeling it's going to be me."

Obsidian: "So what if they do? Would that be the worst thing in the world? Personally I'd love to see more pitch-hitters in the DCU. I mean, just because I'm butch doesn't mean I can't kick somebody's ass and look fierce doing it."

Robin: "I guess so but still.....

Obsidian: "I mean look at all the gay antics you and the old man have been into all these years. And for time's sake I'm not even going to mention the boners the Joker's tried giving you and Batman back in the day.(It's true kids. Go to Superdickery.com for quick photo evidence.) Let's have a quick looksee shall we....."














Robin: "Sob. Oh god could it be true? Could I really be gay all this time? What will Batman say?"

Obsidian" No offense Mary, but you're name is Dick sooooooo...."

Batman: "Robin! The Bat-pole won't grease itself. Now hop to it lad, The Riddler's escaped Arkham again, and we need to go kick his ass again for the 50,000th time."

Obsidian: "What was that about being a cliche'? I guess someone's in for a long night."

Robin: "Grrr! Shut up Todd!"



Speaking of Gay, here's one for you Shlomo, way to represent your people man. Hang in there bro. Ha!

 And here's some other funny pics I found on the web:



                       And this is what Batman and Robin would look like if they were real and really gay.

Awwwwwww! Don't they look like a nice, sweet couple?